At One With God
This is the feeling I'm searching for.
To feel serenity instead of chaos, peace instead of turbulence, comfort instead of fear, love instead of anger and hate...
I might not be acting "religious" in Islam. I don't pray, I don't read Qur'an or hadith, I don't eat halal. Really, it's life as it comes naturally to me these days. I make dua and meditate occaisionally, I make efforts to be a good person in various ways. I do my best to be spiritual in some sort of way but don't follow any rituals.
I do believe that rituals can help a person find this "one with God" feeling that I'm searching for. I certainly felt closer to God when I was praying regularly and I never fasted a whole month but just a couple days and there were some "ahha!" moments in there. Reading Qur'an too helped me focus. I just don't believe that these are the only rituals that can work and basically I don't believe they are obligatory for a person. We each have our own paths.
But without rituals we can drift. And I feel like I'm drifting a bit at the moment.
Sometimes it's like being blind - I don't know where I'm going and I don't have it all figured out. But I know that I'll try again and I'll be where I need to be. Hopefully I continue to grow as a person and hopefully I stay on the straight path insha'Allah - if I even am or have been of course, only God knows.