Monday, June 11, 2012

I'm so torn about coming out of the closet

I'm really torn about this issue. On some days, I really don't want anyone to know I'm Muslim. On other days, I feel the need to say it out loud.

Not wanting to tell anyone:

- they wouldn't understand what I actually believe and they wouldn't be able to get the information because what is out there is mostly the traditional sunni Muslim beliefs and that's not me.
- it would upset my parents
- it would cause gossip in the family
- it would cause gossip at work
- I don't want to deal with questions about my faith
- I go through periods where I'd be literally embarrassed to be considered a Muslim, based on what Muslims are doing or have done and the publicity those idiots get
- people here detest religion and that includes people I'm close to
- people here don't respect other people who believe in God (lots of them detest organized religion to the point of being atheists)
((Isn't it idiotic of me to not want to tell people because they wouldn't understand while at the same time not wanting to explain what I believe? They'll never understand that way, will they?))

Wanting to tell people:

- I go through moments of pride that I'm a Muslim, even to the point that I'd be proud to be associated to the Muslims in the community who are for the most part more traditional and do not believe exactly like I do
- I feel like I need to let go of what others think of me to grow spiritually
- I want to go to the next level in my religion and this might be it
- I need freedom to achieve the closeness to God that I desire, not this persistent worrying
((my last three are close to the same thing))

BASICALLY: I feel that I need to stop caring what others think about me in order to grow as a person. And with religion, I need to stop caring what others will think so that I can grow spiritually. Announcing my religion might not be the only way to make progress on this so I feel better tonight about my decision to stay a closeted Muslim but I definitely want to find other ways that I can be who I am.

*Thanks for letting me type this out* :D

9 Comentários:

Banana Anne said...

Oy, I totally know this feeling. I was in the closet from my family for years, and even today I still am (they know that I identify as Muslim, but they don't know that I actually practice it). As someone who's been there (and is still there), I firmly believe that you shouldn't feel like you have to announce it to everyone unless you're really ready. As long as you're trying your best to practice Islam, then it's really no one else's business, especially since you have legitimate concerns about being ostracized. I don't think you should ever feel like you need to be embarrassed about your faith, though. There are, for sure, a lot of Muslims that do really, really stupid, terrible, non-Islamic things, but there are far more Muslims in the world that are good.

Candice said...

Thanks Anne. I know you get really harsh "advice" when you explain your situation and I agree with you that it has to be right... It's great that you went that much of the distance by telling people that you're Muslim even if they don't know the extent of how you practice Islam. It could be a good step 1 for me too.

Amalia said...

I know how you feel. Even though I was *born* Muslim no one in my family was practising. I decided to practise when I was 18 and had moved away to uni so I didn't have to tell anyone that I was praying etc. I wanted to start off quietly to get my head round things by myself.

Obviously I wear hijab now and it's kind of obvious but even now I get embarrased in front of my family when it's prayer time, I go off and pray alone while they're not paying attention, because they comment on how *religious* I am.

Part of the reason why I began wearing hijab was because I thought it would force me to be more honest about my religion instead of hiding it.

I know how hard it is when family and friends don't understand.


Nora said...

I'm closeted too. There is only one person's reaction I am concerned about. My mom's health is not great and I don't want to be an source of stress in addition to the others she has besides health.

That said, it's hard to figure out how to be a muslim sometimes when I have to hide so much. It's because of islam that I started to make a conscious effort to be closer to her and help her.

I'm not concerned with how anyone else reacts. I don't care much, except I wouldn't be eager to explain anything religious because I'm not a good speaker. I don't "think on my feet" very well.

LK said...

We all go through this with our parents, some more than others with various things but the one that seems most detrimental is religion. I do hope our generation who has been pressured by our parents will not do the same to our own children.

Take your time. You know in your heart and God knows. That is what truly matters.

Keltainen Omena said...

I used to feel this way but then I asked myself is it right for me to have the blessing of Islam and then deprive others from it?

But take your time, study more and try to find ways to strengthen your faith, and in sha Allah someday you will be ready.

Rebekka @ Becky's Kaleidoscope said...

I don't think there's a right or a wrong choice here, it is all about what will make you feel best, while making you feel like you can be honest about who you are.

For me, once I'm certain/comfortable with my decision I've always felt a very strong need to be completely open about it, but I've also never had a problem with answering questions from people, and I know not everyone feel the same as I do.

Enna Ayub said...

Dear Candice,

I feel you. When I was in the US, I had my moments when I felt embarrassed of the way I am. However, yours being a Muslim is nobody's business. Hope with Allah's Rahmah, he will give you the courage.

Read surah Al-Khafirun.

Say, "O disbelievers,

I do not worship what you worship.

Nor are you worshippers of what I worship.

Nor will I be a worshipper of what you worship.

Nor will you be worshippers of what I worship.

For you is your religion, and for me is my religion."

Forbidden Fruit said...

Discovering the light of God... it's a beautiful feeling that nothing I've ever bought or achieved, gave me. I was born a muslim but that was never enough for me. In fact, I believe there is no such thing as a born muslim. Islam is only for the conscious, it's a choice! I studied, more than that I observed. I'm a science student too and so I could see the absurdly vast gaps in the theory of evolution etc. I consider myself a neo-muslim. I don't subscribe to sunni Islam as it comes from rich, indulgent and corrupt sheikhs who openly went against he teachings of the Prophet Muhammad and even amended them. By contrast his family, like Him, lived a life of poverty and strife (Why would one live a life of poverty, strife and worldly troubles if not for God?) I went to Iran to the tombs of Prophets descendants and saw miracles happening with my own eyes! Like Imam Ali says "There's enough light for those who want to see."
If ever, do visit the tombs of Prophet Muhammad's descendants and see for yourself what divine power they hold.

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