Monday, April 9, 2012

Talking about someone

This is an area I need to be more careful about but I have trouble knowing where to draw the line. I like to talk talk talk when I'm in certain situations (husband, mom, best friend, blog) and I know sometimes I need to shut my mouth. I also figure some of what I say is perfectly OK to be said but I want your opinions on which situations are OK and which are not and the severity of each.

1) talking with with my mom, friend or husband about what a person whose blog I follow is going through (example, telling them about how someone online is a second wife and she's having a hard time, etc). It is directly about a person but the people I'm talking to don't know the person and the person doesn't know I'm talking about them. It's nothing negative about the person though it's not likely to result in extra dua for the person or anything good either.

2) writing on my blog about a specific situation that happened where the people reading don't know who it's about and the person who it's about doesn't know I wrote it. It is nothing bad about the person, but nothing good either like above. Has higher likelihood of resulting in some dua for the person since people who follow me are more religious and mindful than people in my real life.

3) Same situation as above, but it is something bad, but advice is asked and the situation is used as reference (like the post when I wondered if it was proper naseeha or not).

4) Same situation as above (anonymous and not directly affecting anyone, but is a real situation) and I want to rant about it (like ranting about a woman being taken advantage of by her husband for example)

5) writing on my blog about a general hypothetical situation inspired by something that happened but is not actually about that situation. It is generally negative and ranty but not directly about someone.

6) Talking to my mom about my best friend who she knows in real life. It's nothing good, it's me getting out my feelings about bad things she is doing and wondering how to help her. All this knowing there's probably nothing I can really do.

Give me your opinions on how bad these are... And while on the topic, how important is it that what is said is something that is either positive or could result in good thoughts about the person or dua for the person?

5 Comentários:

Maryam said...

I don't think you should rely on anyone's own opinion.
The Quran is the source to find the answer to your questions.

If you want to say dua for someone, you don't need to go in details,just ask sisters to pray for a sister going through challenging times.

O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, in deeds some suspicions are sins. And spy not neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear God, verily, God is the one who accepts repentance, Most Merciful. (49: 12)

Behold, you received it on your tongues, and said out of your mouths things which you had no knowledge; and you thought it to be a light matter, while it was most serious in the sight of God (24: 15)

And why did you not, when you heard it, say? "It is not right of us to speak of this: Glory to God, this is a most serious slander" (24:16)

"And, when they hear vain talk, they turn away from it." [Qur'an, 28:55]

"[Successful are] those who shun vain talk." [Qur'an, al-Mu'minun: 3]

And when they hear Al-Laghw (dirty, false, evil vain talk), they withdraw from it and say: "To us our deeds, and to you your deeds. Peace be to you. We seek not the ignorant.(28:55)

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should say [something] good, or he should keep silent." [Bukhari, Muslim, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah]

Abu Hurayrah (May Allah be pleased with him) narrated that Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said:

"Do you know what backbiting is?” They said, “Allah and His Messenger know best.” He then said, “It is to say something about your brother that he would dislike.” Someone asked him, “But what if what I say is true?” The Messenger of Allah said, “If what you say about him is true, you are backbiting him, but if it is not true then you have slandered him."

Candice said...

None of what I said was actually in bad so I'm still not sure where to draw the line.

Maryam said...

It doesn't have to be necessary bad, but does it have a real purpose or is it vain talk??
Just ask yourself how would the person, you are talking about, feel if she knew that you have been discussing her life etc with whoever you are confiding to at the time?
Would that person be upset/offended?

Becky said...

Coming from a non-religious point of view.

I think it depends on what your intentions are and who you are talking to.

For example, my best friend tells me about some serious things going on in her life. She's my best friend, I care about her deeply, I don't know how to help her, what advice to give her, and on top of that, I really worry about her. I will most likely tell my mum about it. Yes, my mum knows her, and she also knows her family, but, I trust my mum completely and know she wouldn't tell anyone else. My mum is older, wiser and might be able to give me some advice. And most importantly, sometimes we just need to tell someone else so we don't have to carry it all ourselves.

Now talking to a mutual friend about her problems behind her back? That's a complete no-go for me, as it would be up to my best friend to decide whether a mutual friend should know about these issues.

Talking about people I know online but no one else knows in real life? I do it all the time, again, I have a lot of empathy for people, and as silly, or not, as it may sound, I care a lot about people, even people I don't personally know from online. So sometimes I just need to share.

Again, I think it depends a lot on intentions, but for me, just needing to offload is a completely valid reason, provided it's done in a way that couldn't harm the other person (i.e., don't go talking to mutual friends about a friend's problem).

Candice said...

Thanks Becky. I guess at the moment I have the same type of limits as you do. I'm trying to work on talking less and getting rid of that need to get things out but I also get too affected by what others are going through, even when I only know them from online.

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