Saturday, April 7, 2012

Indirect and Public Islamic Advice

Is this a good way to do it?

This comes after what I wrote about the haram sandwich... I felt uncomfortable with the accommodation situation and simply didn't feel like driving the 2.5-3h there and back to go make Nora play there and meet up and be uncomfortable.

I could have pretty easily gone. Nora was sick before but she was feeling better and well enough to go and my husband needed me at the store before but in the end he didn't and was telling me to go. Those were the two reasons why my invitation was at a "maybe" the day before the playdate.

So I didn't go and I thought about it the whole day wondering if it was the right thing. I believe in respecting our engagements and that "not feeling like it" is not a good reason to cancel things. I guess I felt bad about not going because I knew that's pretty much what I did, right?

The woman who had set the playdate up wrote on her FB wall yesterday that she was seeing a lot of Muslims not respecting their ingagements and that it was unislamic and that this was a reminder to them. I'm thinking she had me in mind (and probably/hopefully the haram police woman who cancelled too). Should she not have given me this advice in private and directly? Or maybe waited longer like until next week to post it so that I didn't feel so darn concerned and embarrassed and bad about it if her goal was just for me to learn a little something?

What is the right way to give me this bit of advice?

7 Comentários:

Mona Z said...

If she meant you then it was passive aggressive and she was being purposely vague so you can't say she was talking about you without looking like you're paranoid or something. Lame.

jana z. said...

ok...ive written about this so many times. in islam, we are supposed to gently remind each other if we see someone doing something that could be considered or is outright haram. but not in public, we are not each other's judges first of all. and do correct publicly borders on berating in my book. it also screams "hey look at me, im the good muslim showing the bad muslim how things should be done in the islam game." i detest public reprimands with a passion. these are the people who started making me lose respect for the religion in the first place and it took me a bit longer to realize that islam is not at fault, its the crappy people who treat each other like they are lower caste at times.

one thing ive noticed, its the ones that take all the hadith as the truth and nothing but the truth who do this. they rely more on hadith than they do the Qur'an and Allah. they also take it to an extreme

i started staying away from this type of people and my life became a bit better. this is when i started realizing that i wasnt a crap muslim.

candice, you did nothing wrong, wallahi. but to go so far as the ever so popular passive aggressive (as mona pointed out) FB status is just unacceptable.

sorry for writing so much. but this is so unfair and intolerable. if only they knew that they were the ones being unislamic and lacking in adab (islamic manners)

rage and rant over lol

Maryam said...

As a muslim you have to give your sister the benefit of the doubt, find excuses.She didn't name you, if you feel targeted, maybe it's your own guilt.
Who knows her real intentions.

Candice said...

Mona: I didn't think that it could be passive aggressive but maybe... I'm completely unsure. I felt targeted but I might be off.

jana: This particular situation wasn't a huge deal for me except for making me feel kinda guilty and bad, and making me wonder if there might not have been a better way to go about it (and wondering if she even meant me, etc.) There definitely is an etiquette for naseeha that people need to put more emphasis on (more emphasis on that than if it's OK to eat an egg sandwich if it's been parked in the same fridge as a ham one). With all the little things I read and see on my FB since I added this handful of women, I'm about ready to make a clean. This particular person would stay actually, but a few others are just bringing nothing but negativity to me! Like the FB picture one put up that says in bloody horror-movie letters that anal sex and sex during menstruation is a sin and a cancellation of ones Islam... This person spends her time finding ways to tell others they're nor Muslim or what?! It's the 3rd thing like this I see from her in my news feed!

My rant over now.

Maryam: I don't know her intentions and I also didn't pretend to (hope it didn't come off that way). I feel like it's likely she meant me and the other girl who cancelled since she just got back from that event when she wrote it, but I can acknowledge that it might be something else altogether.

I'm a strong believer in giving others excuses and there are many good reasons that could have made her write that and it might not be me. It could also be me but she felt this was the best way. Maybe I come off as someone who wouldn't accept advice? Only Allah knows...

I also wrote in my post that I could have gone and that I didn't feel 100% right about cancelling on them so yes, I think I might have done something wrong, something that I could use advice on. With that in mind, I'm wondering if public and indirect advice is OK islamically or not. There are instances where going up to someone is not appropriate and not the best thing to do. Can public and indirect advice be a good option in certain situations?

truth said...

In her case, She should have thought the person who couldn’t attend the event may be having difficulties in many ways….i.e. difficulties in getting transportation, child’s health, unexpected guest and so on..That is the positive way of controlling ones negativity. She did a gheeba (backbiting which is haram).
If her intention is not to make gheeba on you, are the one to blame bringing that irrelevant post over here and making that trivial issue as a big mountain. Because you are feeling guilty and while blaming yourself about your mistake, you pulled her post into your negativity which is also a type of gheeba.

gheeba never compensate another gheeba.
Saying that
My naseeha is little bit harsh which is also considered as haram…WE are all not a real followers of Islam.

Becky said...

Hmmm, as already mentioned, if she meant you I don't think she dealt with it the right way.

However, I know for me, sometimes I might experience the same issue over and over in my life, and then this happening right now might've been the straw that broke the camel's back, if you know what I mean?
I.e., your situation was the catalyst, but really, she might've had frustrations build up over similar situations for a long time. In which case the status might've partly been directed at you, and partly at something else.

For example, I've been struggling lately with having discovered several people I consider friends, have been two-faced, coupled with a straight-out betrayal from a person I considered a very close friend, and some similar things, I feel like I can't really trust people right now. I could've posted something on FB about not being able to trust people (I haven't), and they might've taken it personally, but really, it's not just about them - the issue is bigger than that. Not sure if that makes sense.

Candice said...

Thanks Becky. Definitely it could be something like that since this woman is leaving the country for 4 months so I'm sure she's been trying to meet up with people in her life before she leaves in a couple weeks.

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