Saturday, September 3, 2011

Am I Imagining things in Being Offended

So the post was about our feelings towards polygamy. I basically wrote that I had no positive feelings towards it and would not be able to deal with that in my marriage and that I'd divorce my husband if he married another. But that we had an agreement from before getting married to never have a second one and that he doesn't want one anyway so phew, we're fine.


Someone responds below with this after writing earlier how favorable she is to polygamy and how much sense it made to her from the very beginning (I will paraphrase):
I'm shocked to actually believe polygamy to be a good thing but when I accepted Islam, I accepted EVERYTHING about Islam.

Does this not sound like she's indirectly mocking me or at the very least suggesting I am picking and choosing what I want in Islam? Even though it's right there for me to see, I feel like she was talking behind my back in a way by not mentioning me directly. At this point in the conversation, I was the only one to have written that I wouldn't accept to be part of a polygamous marriage.

To continue with me being left feeling offended, this person later writes that she believes that if a woman couldn't accept the possibility of her husband marrying a second (third, forth) wife, she should stay celibate! This part might not have been directed at me at all because it was a while later, but it was not really related to the conversation they were having at the time and again, I was the only one to have flat-out said I'd divorce.

I know pregnant over-reacting me might be to blame for this, but I really felt like she was telling me that as far as she was concerned, I should never have married. She probably didn't mean anything as personal as that since we don't really know each other - we have just seen each other's posts on this group. She might not know I am married, with one child and another on the way, and that saying that "these women" SHOULDN'T get married (with me declaring myself as one of "these women") was a direct statement that she didn't think I should be married at all.

Her statements were all very general, not directed towards anyone, but it felt even worse than to have her say it flat-out. If she told me directly, I'd at least be able to tell her off for having very poor manners (telling a pregnant woman she should never have gotten married), but it was all subtle.

The more I write, the more I feel like I made a big deal out of it... But it was definitely not a misunderstanding because when I called her on it, I gave her the chance to rephrase "shouldn't get married" and she wrote multiple times that this is exactly what she meant.

Anyone have any thoughts for me?


8 Comentários:

diaryofamuslimfeminist said...

She has the right to her opinion, and you have the right to be offended by her rudeness.

jana z. said...

cant help but laugh after i read this.....i shall comment later though. just got in. guess i cant get married again if i cant even marry a muslim guy lol

Nahida said...

You're not making a big deal out of it at all! I would be infuriated. That's just poor manners, implying that you don't accept all of Islam and only her perspective is valid and then flat-out stating that you shouldn't have married! It's intrusive and uncalled for.

jana z. said...

there's something a bit different about that particular poster candice! she has really left some strange posts both in that group and the group i started about standing up for your rights. i finally had to disengage in our conversation cause she is really in your face. no....you read what she was saying right. with her its almost an no win situation! just like saladin lol.

Candice said...

Thanks you guys! Glad I'm not *totally* nuts on this one!

Mona Z said...

Candice, I would have taken it the same way. People write things in that general sense so no one can say they're talking about so and so. Just because Islam ALLOWS polygamy doesn't mean it is MANDATORY.

Candice said...

Mona: I just hated that it was said in a general way but that I had been the only one up to this point to say something like that about polygamy.

I really tried hard to explain to her how strongly recommended MARRIAGE is and how NOT recommended polygamy is and she still held her point of view that she thinks these women should not get married. She has the right to this point of view of course... But I still think that if she was being a bit more "islamically correct" she would have kept her mouth shut!

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

totally agree with you candice.
i, personally, wudnt stand sharing my husband with anyone.

like the first comment, i too wud say... she definitely has the right to say wat she wants... you definitely have the right to be offended....

i wud be infuriated!

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