Monday, April 4, 2011

Islamic way to deal with marriage problems

When one of the partners is doing things that are unislamic, I think no one can argue that we should advise them and support them and direct them towards the right way... But how much is too much? When does divorcing become the better option?

I see people (women mostly is my experience) dealing with a LOT from their husbands. Things as bad as abuse (physical and emotional)... Husband not providing (not finding work or making much effort to, living off the wife)... I think these are very bad and that there would be no harm on the woman if she decided to file for divorce for these reasons if they didn't improve in a certain amount of time. I see this view being generally accepted by Muslims.

There are other situations that are not as bad (from experience, this is both men and women). The partner is not the ideal Muslim... He or she doesn't pray or give his annual zakat. He engages in things that are haram; maybe occaisional gambling or drinking... He or she doesn't have Islam as part of his everyday life and God has taken a bit of a second priority behind things like work, children, family, etc. and there are disagreements between the two spouses on whether or not things are Islamic (maybe a woman arguing that hijab is not obligatory and not wanting to force their daughter to wear it at puberty)

In situations like the second one, where one partner is trying to be a very practicing, dedicated Muslim and is being "brought down" in a way by the other partner because they are not practicing along with them and might have different beliefs, can this be a cause for divorce? My view is that no, it is not. I believe that person who divorces in this case is displeasing God with the act (but only God knows for real).

Was a committment not made to the spouse? Is this committment not important enough to tolerate having to work harder in your deen to maintain it? Is the possibility of divorcing and finding someone with a higher level of iman worth causing hardship and hurt to spouse and children and dishonouring the committment made at the time of marriage?

I have just been seeing a couple Muslims with this point of view of "just get rid of him/her" when there are issues. In the situation I have in mnind, it was in the early months of marriage and no children were involved, but I had also seen on this person's blog that if their spouse (who is a dedicated, practicing Muslim) would stop being as strong in her faith, he would no longer love her. That the love was directly connected to her level of faith. It was shocking to me! I understand not loving a spouse unconditionally and even I don't think it's healthy to love no matter what... But combining the advice given to another person and this statement, I concluded that it's a possibility this person would divorce his wife (even if they have been together for 10 years and have kids) if she stopped being the "ideal muslimah". I might be reading way too much into it, but it really made me wonder what other people think the line is between "good reason to divorce" and "gotta tough it out".

This person I have in mind seems to divorce quite easily even if he is a Muslim taking his religion very seriously and "to the letter" while I see so many people who are not as practicing who will tolerate a lot and put A LOT of effort into a marriage before even thinking of divorce.

What is your take? What is the best Islamic balance in situations when the marriage is having problems?

3 Comentários:

BuLaN said...

salam
there are "conditions to love" in islam.

Becky said...

I agree with you that there is a difference between abuse (be it verbal,physical, emotional etc.) and then disagreeing with how ones partner practices his/her religion. We are not responsible for each others actions: And every soul earns not [blame] except against itself, and no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. Sura 6:164

I think it is very very sad that people will actually choose to divorce someone because they don't live up to their standards and interpretations of their religion.

ainechine said...

being a wife i understand very well my obligations as a wife and a mother i do love my husband dispite of he does and say something that hurt me emotionally
we struggling in financial matter and its quite hurt me iwhen he always blaming me

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