Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'm just so totally disgusted!!!

By polygamy. The more I read about women who had to suffer through that, the more I just feel this disgusting feeling inside myself at the sight of the word!

Those disgusting men who go behind their wife's back to marry another - And think they are doing something halal! Astaghfirallah, no matter what any person comes up with as "proof" that it's OK to secretly marry behind your wife's back, I will never accept the ruling. I don't care if there's nothing stating the wives have to be aware of each other's existance, a marriage is a PUBLIC RELATIONSHIP and you'd think that when it's secret it loses the meaning of marriage! How can lying and deceiving be considered Islamic, no matter why the person is lying and deceiving his wife?! Someone answer that!

I'm just outraged at so many polygamist situations I see out there. And the amazing women that try their best and suffer through it. Enough is enough! They do not have to live through constant fear, worry, insecurity. That is NOT a marriage! I can't stand the advice that is given sometimes of, "the more you suffer and tolerate, the more you do, the more Allah will reward you." Can't a woman be told that there's a way out and she is being wronged and ripped of her rights and that she has recourse for that!? That she deserves to be happy in this life without being told it will sacrifice the hereafter for her? I keep seeing Muslimas basically giving advice for women to stay in abusive relationships. I can't stand that. I cannot respect a woman who doesn't believe in a woman's right to some dignity.

Anyway, huge rant here, I just needed to get it off my chest.

To pro-polygamy readers: I don't really want to start with what polygamy "should be" because that's not what my post is about. I'm glad to read that some people are perfectly happy and satisfied in polygamy, but honestly it still makes me uncomfortable. There always seems to be something missing in this type of relationship to me but if others make it work, that's great. My marriage is a happy one between one man and one woman and there are issues there too - I guess we all have some things that are not 100% great whether it's poly or monogamy.

15 Comentários:

Anisah said...

I wholeheartedly agree!


Mona Z said...

I'm on the same page too. I'll never believe it's ok to marry behind the wife's back.

Amalia said...

I agree too

The Creative Muslimah said...

Assalamualeikum dear sister!! I'm so glad you wrote this post, because people need to know. Polygamy in Islam IS halal, but the kind that people do nowadays is HARAM. It's sick to think that men marry another person behind their first wife's back. That has nothing to do with Islam and what the Prophet Muhammad pbuh said. It's sick and sick and sick....

Waassalamualeikum <3

cairo, lusaka, amsterdam said...

I totally agree!!

Becky said...

I agree with you 100 percent.

Although I don't understand people who choose to be in a polygamous marriage either, I do think there is a MASSIVE difference between people choosing to do it - and then having it done behind their back.

It is SO important that women are taught and are aware of their rights.

Thank you for bringing attention to this important subject.

Candice said...

Wow, everyone is so agreeable! :) Sometimes strong opinions on this subject can bring out the worst in people who believe in the opposite opinion but I guess my blog doesn't attract that kind of reader anymore or I've worded it in a non-controversial way or the topic has been overdone (which I half-agree with).

.::Tuttie::. said...

If proof is brought before me from the Qur'an and sunnah NO MATTER what my cultural hangups and prejudices maybe I accept it. I am not referring to polygamy or any other aspect of the religion simply focusing on your statement that you wont accept something if there is proof. If there is something that rubs me the wrong way I do excessive research until I am satisfied with the results. I also look in to if it is OBLIGATORY for me to participate in or just simple RECOMMENDED. If I can opt out of something I don't like I just opt out and thats the end of that.

I personally think we invest SOOO much on people to make us happy when those relationships wont . If one isn't happy with oneself it doesn't matter who you are partnered with how good or bad the situation is we wont be happy and it wont bring us closer to Allah swt.

Its time we realize that at the end of the day we will be alone in our graves with only our good deeds, sadaqah, fasting and prayers. Why then so much emphasis on others?

So what if he married someone else in secret or in public? does one OWN them? no. What if he doesn't marry her and is going around sleeping with whoever will let him? If the situation doesn't float your boat you can leave (I mean this in a general way not you specifically). Life is not fair nor does it always go our way, people will do some mean, nasty and outright cruel things to each other. We can't force people to behave exactly how we want them to behave. We can only choose how WE respond to them. I detest moaning and whining, I prefer action, how are you going to change your situation? if someone is not willing to change their situation but rather sit there until someone comes saves them I stop emotionally investing in that person as it will drain me.

I also agree with Becky that there is A HUGE difference with being forced in to polygamy and going in on your own. EVERY single woman who has been forced has suffered and all involved are still suffering. The ones who go in voluntarily seemed to do just fine with hiccups here and there.

I grew up with some very strong women and I know there are options. I don't need to stay with a man to make ends meet, I don't need marriage to keep my desires in check. Having a husband and being married are nice but not crucial to my well being and sense of self.

.::Tuttie::. said...

forgot to add being disgusted with something or how its practice is one thing, we are all entitled to our opinions and will ultimately have to answer about them to Allah swt if we act

Candice said...

Tuttie: Thanks for your comment.

I really disagree with you though about our relationships and how good or bad our situation is not being important. It is SO important! Marriage is half our deen and I think that is because of how important the choice of spouse and the healthiness of the relationship is to the wellbeing of a person (and ultimately how important it is in how good a Muslim a person can be). I know you personally have lived through a lot and it seems obvious that it affects you to this day so someone like you should understand how important an impact it can have. I guess it's because you got out of it all alone, but I hate to think everyone has to deal with their difficult situations all alone.

I agree with you on the point that a woman who is living a bad situation with her husband (like polygamy and not getting her rights accorded) should just leave, and the point of my blog post was just that. But I think that lots of women need more than their own willfulness to be able to get out. Help is often needed. You end by saying you don't need a man to make ends meet but it's not the case for a lot of women. They need help to get back on their feet after a divorce before they can start to make ends meet.

I might be misunderstanding your comment, but it sounded to me like you don't feel women deserve help if they can't help themselves. I don't think they'd need help if they were already independant. And it also sounds like you're saying that relationships are not important in a person's life as a Muslim when there is so much importance put on them in Islam. From marriage being half our deen to how to treat poor people, how to treat our parents, smiling to others and responding with good manners, etc. We won't be able to change others (and I have no idea where you imagined I said that) but we can certainly speak out and raise a bit of awareness. Even if it's by "complaining" about injustice.

proto said...

I hope you find the truth you say you are looking for.

.::Tuttie::. said...

relationships are important as they can bring you to hellfire or help you get in to jannah. What I am saying is we overemphasize them. They are but one aspect. Not everyone will get married, not everyone will have children, not everyone will grow up with two parents but we will all die. No matter how rich or how poor we will all die.

Once that happens and we start getting questioned, punished and or rewarded based on our performance on this dunya I doubt we will be wondering about who so and so married or how trifling someone was to us. On the day of judgment we will be saying "Myself, myself"

I started thinking, I have experienced a wide range of pain from my childhood and I have a high tolerance, tooth pain, broken bones and now labor (twice). YET if we combine all that pain it still doesn't begin to scratch the surface of the pain that abounds in the LEAST punishment in hellfire.

I am not trying to be punished for a SECOND. I personally think that this is a tool from shaytan that we get distracted, over indulge in the halal (marriage) and forget the bigger picture. Look time flies, I feel like I took my shahada, blinked and now its 5 years later, I am married with two kids and one that is already approaching school age.

Sustenance is written already, it doesn't come to you because you are married to your husband and he brings it to you. Allah swt has written it for your rizq to come through your husband. How did your sustenance come before? through your parents. Look at Musa (as) he was raised by his enemy (Firaun). <--That to me is amazing. If your sustenance runs out than you are no longer alive and your time has come.

I deal with battered women and YOU CANNOT HELP THEM if they don't want your help or recognize they have a problem. You cannot rescue them no matter how much you may want to. I have also dealt with women who are not happy in a polygynous setting and they don't want to leave. They hate their situation but they wont take action.

nafsi. nafsi. I am here for you if you want to leave and I will give you my 100% but I will not go in if they don't want my help. I make du'a for them. We physically barged in to rescue a friend of mine, drove her to change her social and press charges, hustled to find her a safe place to stay and in the she returned to her husband 2 months later. (that was her choice even though I disagree and I am still here for her and would do it all over again if she calls). He moved her 2,000 miles away and I would still find a way to help her if she reaches out.

you can't save people from themselves. Its not such a great example but its similar to dealing with people with addictions. Its hard on them and hard on you. And to force them to bend to your will is also not beneficial to them not to mention self-centered, "I know better than you" imperialistic attitude.

.::Tuttie::. said...

a balance is what we need, give relationship their proper place and remember that our husbands and children are on a loan to us from Allah swt and He will call them back eventually.

we can take the best from them while we are briefly together and hopefully we can spend eternity blissfully together. Islam is a middle path, we don't overemphasize Allah's wrath and ignore His compassion nor do we overemphasize His compassion to the point we blatantly disobey, not do good deeds and bank on His forgiveness.

We take Islam, the middle path, we know He is very merciful but we also know of His wrath and we behave accordingly to gain his pleasure and avoid what displeases Him. Same logic now applied to everything else. :)

Candice said...

Tuttie: I may have misunderstood your comment then because yes, I agree we should always be there for someone in need, but we are not to force anyone into something they don't agree with or are not ready for.

It might not have been clear in my post, but the type of woman I was referring to (being in polygamy and not being offered a way out) was not a woman who wants to stay, but a woman who simply is lost and doesn't know. I think these women are too often advised to stay in this marriage and tolerate their situations. I believe they should also be given the other options and be told that they will have support (emotional support or whatever the person is able to help out with) if they are to leave.

I think we had a double misunderstanding going on. You misunderstood the type of woman I was talking about, and I misunderstood your response thinking you were talking about the same women as I was.

.::Tuttie::. said...

yup I think there was a misunderstanding. I usually though NEVER like to tell someone that they should leave or stay. I tell them to pray istikhara, give them the words and that they should act on the answer. If it is unclear keep praying and making du'a. I will be making du'a ALlah swt gives them clarity to do what is best for their dunya and akhira.

:) That way I don't bring harm upon them,their loved ones or myself.

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