It seems to be a big topic on Muslim blogs lately... I can't even believe how many Muslims are in a plural marriage! It's not just one or two bloggers who deal with this lifestyle, but MANY! I'm always very interested in reading about it. What they go through, how they deal with it, etc.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
There seems to be a couple different styles going on.
1) unhappy about it/ finding it difficult to cope
2) dealing with it well, seeing the positive side, having a sense that it's an obligation for them to make the best of it, so they do (because they have to - this part is more obvious in some, less obvious in others)
3) actually fine with it - this is what they would have chosen
I find myself feeling just sad for those living in category 1. I know I would feel that way myself. I would not be able to accept polygamy into my life and I'm not ashamed and I don't feel I have anything to apologize for. Me and my husband talked about it at the beginning of the marriage and even though it's not written and signed on, it was a verbal agreement that there would never be a second wife. And even if we hadn't talked about it (out of ignorance of this even existing), I would still not accept being part of a plural marriage in any part of my future. All to say, I understand how these women feel who are in this situation. Maybe they entered knowingly, maybe they were screwed over when their husband married behind their backs... It doesn't matter, I still feel a bit of their pain and suffering.
When it comes to category number 2, I find myself feeling a bit discouraged for them. I'm glad they are able to make the best out of their situation, but can't help but feel they are living in denial. How long can this go on? In a way, I hope they're able to keep it up forever and not come to the point when all their real feelings flood in and simply ruin them. Although this last part is needed before making a change that can become for the better. Only Allah knows what is best for them in their individual situations. There are more important things than a truly fulfilling marriage so if they are treated well at least and go their own thing in their day to day life, then I'm glad for them. Even if they might ideally want something else. I suppose no one is fully satisfied and happy in every aspect of life.
Category 3... SO RARE! I can only think of two and one of those is a Christian blogger living polygamy in a "big family" set-up with her 2 co-wives and all the children. She speaks of power in numbers for the women, where their opinions and votes are counted in making big decisions. I doubt most polygamous Muslim men would allow their wives to take part in important decisions. The other is Muslim and married to a Muslim and made the decision herself that she wanted her husband to be able to have a wife that could make him children because she was a bit older and unable.
These are the thoughts I have when reading certain blogs, but it's not my place to actually comment on these blogs in such direct ways. It's not my place to go to an unhappy women in a plural marriage and say "RUN! You deserve better!" even if that's what I'm thinking. It's not my place to comment a bunch of the stuff I wrote on here so I keep my comments constructive and helpful when I'm talking to someone, but somewhere these things have to come out!! With all the polygamy talk and my personal feelings on the subject, I had to say it. What better place than MY OWN BLOG!