Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I had to go back on this topic: Sex Toys

I wrote about this about 2 years ago (SEE HERE) and really, my views have not changed. I was asking a lot of questions then but now feel more confident in my point of view that sex toys are OK in Islam generally.

Idea to post about this came from a post by Umm Aaminah about a really inappropriate book that is in the young adults section of libraries.

I'll start with ways in which they should NOT be used though:

- to masturbate alone
- to insert anally

I consider it perfectly fine when used in these ways:

- to increase sexual satisfaction
- to touch your spouse sexually with
- as an accessory to enhance the excitement/fun

These things fall into an I'm not really sure what I think 100% but am not leaning towards "unacceptable":

- man having an orgasm from play with toys (and even from oral or hand stimulation by spouse)
- use of dildo made to look like a penis (a "statue", in a way); best stick with penis-shaped things instead of realistic veiny ones if you ask me.

One thing that bothers me about sex toys though is that I don't support the industry. The majority of these products have a picture of a naked person on it. I hate to think I'm supporting his or her career. I'm sure most of the companies that make the sex toys that I "approve of" in design also make things that I don't approve of or do it in ways that I don't approve of... For this reason, it might become an iffy issue overall. Everything is connected.

What do you guys think about this topic?

I wanted to expand a little on some of the points I got into above though. Just for clarification, I guess! When I say "to increase sexual satisfaction", I'm thinking of making the whole experience of sex more "fun" for the couple, but also of something that affects a lot of women: inability to orgasm from penetration alone! The husband using his hand or mouth can help and can even replace the "need" for toys 100%, but I just don't see how toys would be any different than this.

When I wrote "to touch your spouse sexually with", I was thinking of touching of any kind, but also penetration if it's something that can be pleasurable for the woman. Some women might not see the point and some men might not feel comfortable with the idea since most likely the dildo is bigger than they are and if it vibrates it has that "edge" too, but seriously, they should know it could never ever replace them. But both people need to feel comfortable when engaging in something new.

When I wrote "as an accessory to enhance excitement/fun", I was thinking of something as simple and innocent as a pillow propping you up to lubricant (warming, flavoured or natural) to a sex swing to a cock ring to that accessory that suctions where you want it in the shower to pull a leg up on. All things that can make it a little more exciting and that can give variety in the old routine.

I'm not very shy talking about these things when said in such a general way, but I am shy about people knowing about my sex life so I wanted to end by clarifying that this is my point of view on these things, not my lifestyle. I am not saying I even tried a single one of the things I mentioned; it's really not up to anyone but me and my husband to know. I definitely want to help in making people comfortable with the idea and comfortable with sex being something pleasurable between spouses though so hopefully that much I achieved.

6 Comentários:

Stephanie said...

Interesting and not something I expected when I opened your blog!

I'm generally not against sex toys and agree with you. However, I'm also not against them to be used for mastrubation, especially for a single person. I don't necessarily agree with Islam's view on mastrubation, especially since it's something that almost everyone does and IMO a normal way to release sexual energy which might not lead to optimal behavior if left pent up. I don't think people should be made to feel guilty about that or that their commiting a sin against God. Again, I'm talking about unmarried people. I don't necessarily think it's absolutely wrong for a married person to mastrubate alone, but I do think couples should work to please one another within the bonds of marriage because acieving a healthy sex life can only strenghthen a marriage.
I also agree with you on the industry. I don't think the industry is at all healthy for women in general.

Candice said...

Even in Islam there exists the opinion that masturbation can be tolerated in the case of built-up sexual energy that just needs to be released. It's not that it's permitted but it's more that it's the lesser of two evils. At least the scholar with this point of view is able to take reality into consideration and I'm able to appreciate that! The view makes sense to me.

I don't think it's a good habit for a person to have and using toys will only help in making this a habit for them even if it's before marriage. I know at least a few cases where men have this habit and do not give it up when in a serious relationship and it does cause tension between the two. (Porno might play a part though)

Sarah said...

Re married people masturbating.

I used to be very idealistic about sexual expression only being between partners. I felt masturbation was a shameful, self-indulgent thing. It might have been my ex's cultural attitudes about it that made me feel this way.

But now I'm starting to think that perhaps real intimacy is the sharing of your full sexual self with the other person, rather than narrowing it down into only thoughts and actions that explicitly involve your partner. It is actually a very intimate thing to know what makes someone tick sexually, masturbation habits and all. I wouldn't mind if a partner masturbated. And I would like to know about it and understand how it works for them. That would make me feel close to them.

So I think intimacy is being open with each other, and it doesn't matter who holds the toy or who touches whom as long as it feels like they are sharing their sexual self with you. A secret masturbation habit would not be conducive to intimacy.

Candice said...

Sarah: It's an interesting way to see things and it does make sense. Especially your last paragraph where I imagine someone in sexual intimacy with his or her partner but refusing to touch himself for fear that it will count as masturbation. That would be just ridiculous.

And I can see how two people who know each other's sexual habits making masturbation work for them to compensate for different sex drives or even to help even out a sex drive that needs more variety to stay going. When two people are being open about it to each other there's no shame.

What are you thoughts on single people masturbating? What about masturbating with the help of toys?

Sarah said...

"What are you thoughts on single people masturbating? What about masturbating with the help of toys?"

I guess these are quite important ways of being sexually fulfilled for a lot of people, especially men. :P I wonder how much lewd behaviour, harassment of women etc in some parts of the world is caused partly by frustration that could be resolved this way?

I understand that sex therapists tend to regard masturbation as helpful for relationships too, because it helps if you already know your own body and what you need. I think I was surprised when I found this out because I thought masturbation might form a habit that detracts from real sex. But then I've never heard of a man preferring masturbation to sex, and probably the same is true for women, as long as the man can learn how to please her.

Stephanie said...

I definitely agree with mastrubation being helpful in getting to know your own body, escpecially for women. It would be difficult to help a man understand what you like and what will bring you to climax if you don't even know how do to it yourself.

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