I had a lot of drama going on this weekend and it left me in an identity crisis.
Can I really be both Muslim and who I was before? I have been Muslim for 1 year now (anniversary of my shahada was actually this weekend, go figure!) and I felt I'd made some changes in myself as I learned more about Islam and that I had improved myself, but that I was still ME! My parents never got this "Where's my daughter?" feeling from my conversion because I was still the same girl, only gradually being more modest in clothing and a few little things they noticed but that didn't change me.
I pretty much only have one Muslim friend that I see in real life, and she is one of the most patient women I know with lots of experience with marriage problems. She really does her best to follow Islam.
A situation that came up was that I disobey my husband. My position on that was that the reason a man has a certain right over his wife is because he is 100% financially responsible (as stated in the Qur'an). So the conclusion was that I had no obligation to obey him since I am the one who financially supports him. As far as how much rights he has over me when he does become the financial supporter, I just wasn't there yet.
But my friend's response was that no, it didn't change anything that he didn't support me financially and that he was still my husband and I had to obey him. That in the end, I would be rewarded for everything I did that was more than my responsibility and he would get what he deserves as well and that we had rights to divorce our husbands if they didn't fulfill their requirements and that if I did everything the right way, at least no sin would be on me. I had to admit that it's quite convincing to view it this way because, as she said, it means that there's no sin on me. But is the part about it still being obligatory to obey my husband right? I'm very much struggling with this because even if he fulfilled his reponsability of providing financially, how much do husbands really have over their wives?!
The way I have been feeling this weekend is a bit like an abused wife. Stuck, but in the honeymoon phase after the breakdown. The thing that made me feel this way (a bit iffy, as opposed to *really* being in the honeymoon phase where you feel great) is that my husband has set up some rules about my daughter never seeing my best friend, and not seeing my parents for 1 week. To obey him would be to accept this, but I'd feel so ashamed to admit to anyone that I am allowing my husband to keep my daughter away from her grand-parents. If it was the right thing to just obey him (shut up and let it happen), would I really feel this badly?
It has made me feel like if I want to accept being Muslim fully, I'll lose who I am and lose my self-respect!
I know I am just going nuts. As I wrote, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I know very well this must be some middle-ground to this... I had talked and thought about the issue of obeying our husbands, but it seemed like it didn't apply to be that much, and that if it did, my husband let's me do what I want normally anyway so it was not an issue.
He actually has calmed down and decided my parents can see our daughter today which is good and makes me feel like I can put off this awful feeling... I decided I'd bring it back up to myself during Ramadan when I am at a better place spiritually (insha'Allah).
Sorry for the unorganized post.