Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Identity as a Muslim P.2

I might end up deleting the previous post... Thanks for the comments though. Don't want to cause anything at home by having written it... And I was really all messed up this weekend and yesterday, but I think I have made some conclusisons.

In the end, it's not right for me to feel like this and no woman should be taken advantage of and feel it's her Islamic duty to just "take it". We have rights and have to enforce them. Of course, I made a lot of mistakes and could have used a lot more patience in my hard times, for example, but there are things I was starting to be made to believe were my duty as a wife that I wasn't doing that simply are not. Effort is, and I made some, but obedience in all aspects is not my duty.

Women must have dignity and self-respect and for me to feel like I lose all that in becoming what "scholars" think is the ideal Muslimah is just not right!

9 Comentários:

Blue said...

Keep in mind, not all scholars agree on what level that obedience should take, and there are a lot of exceptions. For example, your husband can't order you to do something that goes against Islam and expect obedience. Valuing family (especially one's parents) is a big part of the Straight Path! So if your husband wants obedience, he has an added responsibility to think carefully about what he expects of you and make sure it doesn't oppress you or go against your core beliefs. Its all about mutual respect, not one-sided dictates. Thats my opinion, anyways, but I bet you can find Quranic backing for it.

On a non-religious note... maybe you guys should consider counseling? Its nothing to be embarrassed about and it doesn't signal a crumbling relationship, and it might give you both a calm, neutral space to talk things out. Best of luck to you both!

Barbie Jones said...

I for one would never support a husband.Does he not work?

My life my story said...

I agree with you completley! :) nice post

Stacy aka Fahiima said...

i have a friend who is in a similar situation. She is unemployed and no longer receives unemployment checks. Her husband acts like it is a huge hardship to support her even though he works full time. The funny thing is that he makes at least what my husband did working security and we were able to support our family of 3 just fine.
I hope you guys come out on top and your marriage gets stronger as a result, InshaAllah!

Stephanie said...

Agreed! It's unfair and frankly cruel to expect the woman to make all the sacrifice to come from the woman. Marriage with traditional Islamic roles can work if both parties are living up to the expectations and there is plenty of love and mercy in their hearts. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be the case on the part of your husband. Inshallah, may Allah swt give us all happiness and peace in our marriages.

Susanne said...

I love your last sentence. Glad things are looking up a bit today!

lala said...

I agree with you. I didn't get a chance to read the previous post before its removal but from what this is saying, I'd say you have a right to be comfortable of your role in your marriage. It's a partnership and it should feel like it. Don't let people try and tell you what Islam says you have to do this or that as a wife, mother, or woman. Always research what it really says and stand up for yourself.... I guess it's so easy for a man to say, yes you have to do everything and I will work 8-9 hrs and day and then come home and be waited on hand and foot. Of course that'd be nice, LOL! But we know it's not realistic and that type of selfishness doesn't belong in a Muslim's character or marriage. Ayatallah Khomeini is a great example--he never let his wife do his laundry, etc. because he said he married a wife not a slave. I'm sure you can read up on in somewhere, in addition to how the Prophet (pbuh) and the Prophets family (as) treated their family. InshAllah you and your husband can work things out so you feel less pressured and disrespected. Sorry that this is all garbled and disorganized, in a rush and trying to get some words down!!

estranged muslimah said...

i thought I was the only one that had these debates in my head.Then felt guilty for not being a "good muslimah".

My partner gave me a book titled "ideal muslimah" I was insulted at first and i cried as i read it feeling as thought I was not good enough. I read it in one night and doubted myself.
almost 3 years later I understand everything that the book said and hyprocitically almost now practice many of its descriptions.
Patience my friend otherwise doubt and regret confuse the mind and heart.

Candice said...

Thanks for the comments and support! Of course there are always parts missing in a story especially in a blog that is by one person (me) and written in short form. It's important not to assume too much from my post. I don't want to make things seem different than they are and I try my hardest not to but with the very limited amount of things I do say (because of not wanting to go on and on and not wanting to go into any real detail, really), there are just things that are easily assumed that may or may not be true.

Anyway, when I wrote this post, I was getting advice from a very patient Muslimah that I know and respect a lot. But as I thought about it some more, I began to realize that she didn't see abuse the same way I did... This is kind of where this post came about. As much as her advice made sense, we were still talking about abuse here, and to make the woman take even a small part of the blame in her abuse is abusing her even further.

Not saying this is about me because in trying to show me the way she believes is right, she mentioned other cases. So don't think I am calling myself abused.


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