Friday, July 23, 2010

Best time to have children

Of course there are things that are necessary like being married/ being in a serious relationship and *wanting* to have children. All this will be nothing else than my point of view and pretty much what is suited to a person like me. Not all that interesting for others because different people are different but I felt like posting anyway!

After my experience of having a child kind of young at 20 years old, I can't imagine not having children until later in life like 30-40 years old. It just seems so late in life! I know that for a lot of people, it has to do with career and lengthy studies... I could definitely not imagine being a student full-time working on my Masters or a Ph.D.

My conclusion is that for a person wishing to go further in her studies, a good time to have a child would be during her bachelor's degree studies, taking a semester or two off to have the child and going back, rather than waiting until the end of graduate or post-graduate studies. After my experience, I feel that it's just so long to wait if you have a person you wish to have children with. If a person is mature and responsible enough, it just seems like the perfect way! And what a joy to be able to be a young grand-parent as well! And to have more time to live your own life after your children are grown, rather than living it earlier and having kids in the house until 60 years of age. I feel sad that my grand-parents died before I really had a chance to appreciate them.

Obviously, this is ME and not for everyone. I believe in an individual making the best decisions for her (and a couple for the both of them)!

It feels like Islamically, for a woman to delay having children until 30 years of age for a career is not 100% right. Even if a woman has every right to work and there is no prohibition on it, it is not her purpose as it is a man's and being on birth control for, let's say, over 10 years for a career when it is not her responsibility as a woman to even be the one working might be pushing the limits on the permissibility of birth control in Islam. But I shouldn't talk so I will stop right here. I have a lot of respect for working women and career women in general so it's a bit of a conflict in me to say this.

11 Comentários:

LK said...

Its really not that simple though. Im 26 and Im not even married yet. And that is not due to a career or lack of trying. Some of us don't have a choice about having a child before 30. Unless you want to go the unmarried route which seems unwise.

I can't even imagine having a child at 20. I was no more than a child myself! Grant it, I don't want to be too old when I have kids but there is a lot to think about. Marriage and financial security being two factors that are musts.

Mimisha said...

as salamu alaikum
iam 23 now and i just got a baby and i think its the perfect age. i always wanted to have kids early and not when iam 30 or older. i think when u r younger its easier for u 2 understand ur children bcz its not too long ago that u have been a kid/teen urself :)

Susanne said...

I appreciate your point of view, however, I know some people who have wanted to be 'settled' in their lives more...have jobs, steady incomes, a house before adding the pressure of children. I can understand both views. I'm actually glad there are both kinds of people in the world. Yes, maybe you will be a young grandmother one day. :)

NeverEver said...

my grandparents had my mother when they were in their forties. because of this, I never got to know my grandparents or great grandparents which is really heartbreaking to me.

my parents had my brother and I when they were 20 and 25 (my parents are the same age, one month apart lol). now my brother has a 3 year old daughter and my parents are still young enough to be active grandparents alhamdulillah. They play games with my niece and go do activities and they are building so many memories that I never got to have, mashaAllah.

I am 23 now, and I honestly don't want to wait much longer to have children. I'll have to get married first though, lol.

also about being settled, I think it is said (forgive me if I am wrong because i cannot remember the source for now) that believers should not worry about providing for their children since Allah provides for believers. if we have faith and we raise our children with faith, then inshaAllah He will provide for us :-)

ellen557 said...

I guess it depends on the person. For me at the moment I'd love to have a child but my family just wouldn't accept it because they'd consider me to be too young. My husband and I are also not financially ready at all to start having children... but inshaAllah everything will work out soon because I can't wait to have kids. I don't care about my age at all, as long as the environment that my child will be brought up in is fine then I'm happy :)

Anisah said...

ORRR they could be me lol
kidding. like starting a second family?

Candice said...

LK: You're right that it's not that simple! My post was a simple look at it from a life like mine. You know, another thing I think makes my situation different is being in Canada, I think we have a lot more resources that make us better off financially without necessarily having it all in place earlier on. Not exactly sure what is available in the USA though but I think it's easier here for that and of course it influences what I'm saying.

Mimisha: Thanks for your comment!

Susanne: The financial aspect does seem to come up a lot as a reason to wait, even for people who are not necessarily in school, but just trying to further their careers or simply trying to put some money away. As I was writing to LK, I think it might be a bit different in the USA than here in Canada for the necessity of it. A lot of people here wait too, but a lot of people have children young or want children young (and just don't find the right person until later). The main reason in people I know of to not have had kids young was not having a husband/boyfriend and mostly that seemed to be from relationship hopping!

NeverEver: I don't know the source of that either, but you are right, it's in the Qur'an as far as I can remember! It's difficult though without any financial security and the Shaytan whispers...

Ellen: My family was quite shocked that I was pregnant at 19 and quite upset because they imagined I'd be studying until I finished a Ph.D. It was a hope for my parents that was almost 100% crushed. I have no desire for going that far in my studies now like I did before. I do want to go back for a Bachelor's and Certificate or something like this, but know I would not go further. They have accepted that fully as far as I know and think I'm doing well in this life I made. :)

Anisah: LOL. You're a case apart! :) You have a lot of courage, woman! :)

LK said...

Perhaps finances are different in Canada. I struggle so hard just to make ends meet for myself I can't imagine being able to pay for a little one. I barely pay my own bills on my salary. And unless you have a very wealthy husband both people have to work just to pay the bills. I even know doctors who both have to work! Things are pretty rough here ...stupid recession. but, Thank God, they are better than a lot of places.

I dunno, in my world the women are childless not because of a career but because they can't find a husband. None of them are waiting till their career is complete, they simply can't find "the one". And they'd all like to change that, including myself.

Gardens of Sand said...

I always thought I'd have my own family by the time I was 24. Allah had different plans for me, lol. I'm married for a year now and inshallah our baby is due next month. I never thought I would be 29 by the time I have my first child, but this is life and such is written.

Seriously though, everyone is ready at different times. The important thing is to be ready. So many young mamas have kids too young and then you have children raising children. Not a good situation. On the other extreme, you have couples who wait and wait til its too late. So readiness and balance are key. :-)

Juggling a FT job, motherhood and higher education is tough! You run yourself to a grind doing it and many times quitting college or job is not an option. It's no wonder heaven is under the mother's feet.

Candice said...

LK: I didn't mean the economy only, although of course more stability in work is a plus... It's true that we were not hit as hard by the recession. But I mostly meant the governmental help we can get here...

I understand not finding a man though because it is the main situation I've seen here too. My main idea in the post was that I enjoyed being a young mother and didn't feel it was the best to delay having children because of careers. I know this isn't your situation.

About finances though, it took me a while, but I eventually noticed that people with any sort of income can be "tight" because the more you have, the more you spend! We are a one-income family and I am less tight than some couples without children who both work and both make the same salary as I do! At the same time though, I make a few dollars more than hour than I did when I started working and I haven't become "less tight" in my finances than I was before! I guess I just adjusted my spending to my higher pays! So really, there's almost always a way to adjust spending to accomodate. We might have to compromise our lifestyle though.

LK said...

Yeah some people do overspend and don't save. But come live in New York, trust me you can't make your bills on what they pay you here :)

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