Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Polygamy

When I think of whether or not something is true and right, I think of whether or not this is the best path for humanity. I believe in an ultimate balance in life, which is one reason for me following the Quranic way of polygamy and not the cultural one.

It bugs me to think that the common view held by Muslims on this issue is that polygamy is allowed at any time just as long as the man tries his best to be equal between them. I see the Quran and what it says about polygamy and feel even more confident that this is from God. It's so practical and just plain *right* for polygamy to exist in time of war when many men have died and made widows and orphans. These women would not find anyone to marry them and take care of them and their children because there is a lack in men to marry! What an amazing solution to have them marry a man who is married and who is willing to have a second wife. He has the benefits of a married man (being taken care of in the home, having sex, etc.) and the responsabilities of a married man (financial care and being kind and nice, etc.). And he has the benefit of having taken care of orphans and helped a person.

Does it really make sense to have men take 2, 3 or 4 wives when there are the same number of men and women in a society?! In these cases, the main reason for the man to marry a second wife is sexual and in these cases, there ends up being too few women to marry, and a bunch of men with NO WIVES. Is this not the most ridiculous thing?

14 Comentários:

Banana Anne said...

I totally agree with you. I think polygamy is okay only in certain situations, like war or whatever, and ONLY if the man can treat all his wives equally. I would also make sure that the man's other wife or wives knew what he was doing and was okay with it. Basically, I'm only okay with polygamy if the rules of the Qur'an and sunnah were strictly followed. If the man just wanted more wives to get more sex or to have another live-in maid, I would tell him to look elsewhere.

Candice said...

I knew I had written about this before! I found it from January 2009 so just over a year ago. It has been such a journey for me since I started my blog and so many things are different, but I seem to feel the same way about it now as I did then.

cairo, lusaka, amsterdam said...

Funny you posted this, I've been thinking about polygamy a lot lately and just wrote a post on it as well.

Even if it did make sense then, the fact that it is in the Qur'an makes it very difficult to ever ban it in Muslim countries.

Umm Aaminah said...

A'salaamu alaikum sister. I feel I should point out there is nothing wrong with a brother wanting to marry for sexual reasons. One valid reason polygyny is allowed by Allah is to preserve the sanctity of marriage and to preserve the rights of women.

For example, if a man's first wife has very low (or no) sex drive or she becomes terminally ill and sex would be a hardship on her, it is better for a man to marry another than to be tempted by looking at others.

This protects the first wife because she would not have the guilt on her of being unable to satisfy/please her husband in all ways; it would protect the husband from zina; and it protects the other woman from becoming a mistress and being used for her youth and beauty and then discarded without a husband as she ages.

That said, you are correct that it is not made just to satisfy selfish desires. If brothers would look to the example of the Prophet Muhammad (saws) they would see he didn't marry the "hot commodities" (young virgins) except in the case of Aisha (ra) his last wife. He married widows and older sisters, ones who were not revered for their physical beauty.

However, as sex is a basic human desire and need, wanting to satisfy yourself in a halal manner while stepping up to the plate and taking responsiblity by marrying and providing for another is acceptable Islamically and even encouraged if you fear you would fall into fitnah (discord).

And Allah knows best...

Ma salaama...

munir said...

If you say is the case that polygamy should be restricted in times of war, Allah would have specified that.Look in the muslim communities outside of Saudi, there's a lot of single/divorced muslim women raising children on their own.There might be an equal number of males and females but the number of good muslim men is far less than muslim women.Just look how many revert are females compared to males??

Rene´s Bare Essentials said...

I agree with ummAminah. I wanted to point out that the sunnah is to marry widows and divorced women. Now a days, men often take a 2nd, 3rd wife who is a virgin, opposed to someone whose been married before or widowed. There is nothing wrong with taking a virgin woman as a second or third wife etc, however these men should follow the sunnah and first look for women who are widowed and or divorced. There are more women then men, and I feel polygamy keeps a balance and protects women from living on the streets or turning to prostitution. However if men keep ignoring the widows and divorcees these women sometimes turn to such extremes. Another thing to add, it is the womans decision to become a 2md, 3rd or 4th wife. Therefore polygamy wouldnt even be practiced if women werent agreeing to become a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife!

caraboska said...

There are much better ways of providing for widows and divorcees and orphans - for example, structuring society so that they have opportunities to provide for themselves in a godly manner. And even if that isn't undertaken, marrying them is not at all necessary to provide for them.

God created from the beginning one man and one woman. This was and is the ideal. And it is more than livable. If it really isn't - and I'm not talking about people just being lonely, but about there really not being any godly way a woman can provide for herself - there is something wrong with society. This is why I am convinced that monogamy and allowing women the dignity of providing for themselves is the way.

Susanne said...

Good points, Candice. You make a lot of sense.

munir said...

Carobaska you say This is why I am convinced that monogamy and allowing women the dignity of providing for themselves is the way.

Some of the women I am referring to , are supporting their family financially very well, it's more than that, they miss the companonship of having a mate, someone there to help raise the kids etc The problem is that there's not enough good muslim men ready to take that role

caraboska said...

munir, I'll be 46 years old this year, have never been married and would be quite content to stay this way for the rest of my life. Sure, I had to learn this contentment - and there is only one way I would have learned it, namely by staying single all this time. I am very glad God has protected me from getting married in circumstances where I could not be sure I was doing it 100% for God. That He has permitted me to stay single until a moment when I don't 'have to have it'. Because I definitely do believe God has to be our ultimate motivation for all things.

munir said...

caroboska, I understand, everyone is different, you are speaking for yourself and not the majority of single muslim women.
I am a muslim man, and you can not come close to imagining how many propositions I get from muslimahs.I am married and I don't consider myself able to be just and fair with more than 1 woman, at least not at this point in my life.

Candice said...

Munir: I don't think it has to be restricted to times of war, but it has to be restricted to helping the orphans. So marrying their moms, basically. Doesn't have to be in war time, but this is a time when there would more such cases.

Umm Aminah: To me, such a situation (ill wife not able to have sex) is something that will be difficult for a man, but something he needs to live through. A test. Not an excuse for a sexually active wife.

caraboska said...

munir, :O:O:O You're married and you are getting proposals from women???? Oh my God... I am in utter and complete shock. VERY glad you have the good sense to refuse their proposals. The fact that I am able to live the way I do may have to do with the fact that I am a Christian - by choice, furthermore, not by upbringing. In other words, belief has a lot to do with it.

caraboska said...

Candice, Or marrying the orphans themselves, if they are of marriageable age.

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