Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pigs!


I am starting to be disgusted by pork. I was never a fan, even before knowing there was a religion that forbade its consumption. I would never eat pork roast and I hate ham. The only thing I find really yummy is bacon and even though I'm not a huge fan of sausages, I found them fine and ate those. I was never disgusted by pork though.

My husband obviously doesn't want me to eat it and I mostly haven't since we have been together, but that was the only reason I didn't eat bacon when I had the chance. These days though, I feel disgusted by even bacon!

I don't think that being disgusted with a prohibited food in any way strengthens faith or anything, so I find it weird that I feel this way. If it's at all connected that I feel stronger for Islam and against pork, seriously, I am losing my mind!

Likely, it's more connected to my lack of appetite and constant nausea lately than to anything religious.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thinking about Islam constantly -- Can I really stay away?

I mentioned a couple times in other posts that I have been thinking seriously about Islam these days. There was no big turning point, really, to make me feel like I need to be a Muslim, but yes, that's what I feel these days. :) My husband, from his reaction to all this, doesn't seem ready for me to be Muslim. I don't fully understand him... But what I get from that is that he's not ready to practice Islam and he wouldn't want me to be a better Muslim than he is.

Anyway, this was mostly as a semi-announcement. I am not announcing that I am Muslim, because I still am not, but I am announcing that I feel I will convert relatively shortly, something I have never actually felt.

How should I do it? I don't believe it needs to be anything "official" with an imam or anything, but at the same time, it could be a positive experience to do it that way. What are your suggestions and experiences?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Wudu is wet!!


I am trying to pray regularly (not 5x a day, but once a day or more for now) and wudu is an obstacle for me. I honestly don't like to do it. I hate being wet in dry circumstances. I love taking my shower or swimming, but I hate coming out and being wet. For my hands, it's the opposite, I can't stand not washing them regularly, but putting water on my face, arms, feet... NOOOOOO!!

I learned though that when I wash my hands, I always just do it with the immediate tap water, which is cold even if I turned on the hot side. And I always feel obligated to use the water from the first drip. I don't like wasting water, but it's worth it to leave the hot one running to do wudu or else it makes me not want to do it at all, meaning I skip the prayer completely. I still hate being wet, but at least if I'm wet and hot, it's tolerable!

I might not like this part of the preparation for prayer, but I like getting dressed for it. I have a couple galabeyas (not good for being worn out because of their style and weird length, but I like them for the house and prayer) and I choose one of those or a long skirt with shirt, or a short sleeved nightgown type galabeya with a sweater. Then I choose the scarf. One that matches a bit and covers well. That's when I feel prepared to do prayer.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Not feeling so great...

No respect from my husband...

I just had an "incident" since typing up the last post and I seriously need to vent. It wasn't a great day overall with a bunch of disrespect this afternoon too. I just really don't know what to do about him. It doesn't take much to set him off into a fit against me and when he does, it's not just about letting him cool down as he yells at me because it's always about things that make me SO ANGRY. And when he's upset with me, he doesn't care who else it affects (our daughter).

It doesn't take much to set me off either though... We've been here in Canada together now for 1.5 years and I am sick of seeing used kleenex on counters, water on the floor, banana peels on the counter, grape seeds dried onto plates, scattered around the apartment, dirty clothes on the ground, every door or drawer he touched opened. I'm sick of the lack of respect when it comes to decisions that need to be made in the household. I'm sick of paying for everything while he goes off and gets himself things with any money he makes. I might not burst after the first of these things daily, but after the 20th, I might. It might just be change left all over the table that makes me lose my temper, but after so many similar things in the same day, I guess it adds up.

Overall, I am unable to feel OK with him even if we have a period of time where things are going well. It is so hard to say I love you and I never fully mean it. I don't like the feel of him or the smell of him. I don't think he feels that way about me though. I think he actually loves me and is attracted to me. I don't know what it is to him when he tells me to fuck off... When I say it, it's lack of respect and lack of love. I truly do not respect this man. I don't understand his position. Maybe he just doesn't respect me and that's enough for him to treat me this way.

Anyway... :-(

Haven't been posting much...

...but I have been reading and trying to comment at least a little.

When I wrote my last post, I thought I'd have a couple new posts coming but I really didn't have anything to write. I thought of the blog and my mind went blank. Maybe this "I donno what to say" entry will spark a bunch of things to say like my last such post... Hopefully!

But it's different now than it was then. I've just been exhausted from my daughter being sick... I still haven't regained my appetite. If anything I have been eating less now than I did when I was at the hospital all day. Maybe it's because there was nothing to do there so whenever I had a chance to leave the room it was to eat, hungry or not. I just weighed myself for the first time in a while and I have lost about 6 pounds. Might not seem like much but I haven't been trying and I'm on the skinny side of a healthy weight for my height. I hadn't thought about weight at all so I was really surprised when I weighed myself and found that. I guess if I had been thinking about it I wouldn't be surprised much by the weight loss since even I know I have been eating less and been under some stress.

Funny how the scale came out at my parents'. My brother was telling my husband he couldn't eat the whole lasagna he had ordered for himself and of course my husband said he could (I was like... duh, of course he can!) and they weighed it. It was a kilo they said (the scale is in pounds so I guess they converted that themselves). Anyway, he ate it all.

About Islam, I have been thinking about God and Islam constantly lately. Funny that I can't think of anything to post when I'm thinking about Islam the most. I prayed the afternoon prayer and I will pray the night one soon, I think. I hadn't in a while... I don't know if I will keep up at least a prayer per day, but I hope to. I am trying to get my husband to pray too but I don't think he's there yet. I will try to update about my Islam at least, even if I find no interesting topics to write about.

Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I miss hearing the Adhan

I found this great page on Facebook called "I love Allah" and they had posted a video recently with the call to prayer. It's funny that I had not heard it in so long. I have heard it since Egypt, but only a handful of times probably. It's something I miss about being there... I didn't realize that at all until I played the video and heard the adhan. I don't know what it is about it, but it's a beautiful sound to hear.

As much as I think of Egypt when I hear the Adhan, let's be clear that it does not sound like that from the street. From inside with the windows closes, it sounds like a living howling wind, all the different adhans together with different timings. Slightly better from the street or with the windows open, but a bit distorted... Still though, it was beautiful.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Good Word Books


Has anyone ordered from http://www.goodwordbooks.com/? I received my free Qur'an some time ago (that I am very much enjoying) and it has this link in the book so I decided to check it out. It has a lot of interesting books! Children's books, Arabic books, Qur'an study books, Qur'an stories, etc. A lot of things I know I should be reading about but I'm one of these people who really needs to have a book in her hands for certain subjects. I wouldn't be able to concentrate and actually read through certain things online but I would make the effort to read (and enjoy) it if I had it in my hands. I am too easy to distract to read some of these things online.

I can't find anything about shipping prices on there. I think it's located in India so I don't want to have problems with cost or reliability of shipping. And I don't know how good the books really are.

I started making myself a shopping cart with some Qur'an studies material, some children's books, some Arabic books and I'm getting excited! Who has ordered?? Please tell me!

Culture

--Note: I had started writing this about 3 weeks ago and I figured I'd finish it and give my blog some of its old flavour back as I continue to sort things out with my daughter being sick. More of my regular posts should be reappearing sometime next week.--

I hear a lot about converts getting rid of everything that is cultural to follow an Islamic lifestyle. I think that's not a bad thing at all. The best and "safest" way to follow Islam probably is to get all the cultural celebrations, etc. out of your life. But I really don't think that's the only way. I don't think a convert needs to change her entire life -- all of it-- because they became Muslim. I think that what is really important is to know what is culture and what is Islam. I don't think it means that everything that is not Islam needs to be out of your life. Everything that goes againt Islam though, does.

Some people have more strict views on what they believe is "against Islam" than I do, but I think that things are not against Islam as long as they do not mean to you something that is against Islam, or tempting you towards something that is against Islam. Hope you know what I mean...

For example, Halloween. It might have origins that are not Islamic because the origins are polytheistic, etc. But it means nothing more to me than dressing up and getting candy. I don't care about its origins because that's not what it means to me.

Christmas might be tricky for some. Not for me because I don't come from a religious family and it doesn't mean anything religious for any of us. For those who have a religious family, it's probably more difficult, trying to find out if it's worth it. Wanting to maintain a good relationship with family, but wanting to stay away from things that are not Islamic like the service at Church they would want you to go to, prayers at home, talk of Jesus as the son of God, etc...

There's a lot of balancing to be done by converts. I hate to hear about converts giving up everything of their culture when they convert, and alienating their friends and family in the process. It's not helping them to lose their friends and family, and it's not helping people see Islam in a good way to hear about these situations. Change is necessary after conversion for sure... Islam is a way of life, not just a quiet belief, but the point here was that I don't think a person needs to change everything. I think cultural things can be retained if they do not encourage unislamic things in the person.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Nora is out of the hospital!

11 days later, Nora is out of the hospital! They are keeping her room in case though, because she still has a fever and all that, so that she can be re-admitted immediately if there's any need to, and I have to take her temperature often and chart it and report back. She has a test on Sunday morning so more hospital for her, but at least she can go home after!

They are thinking of possibly sending her to a children's hospital in Montreal (nearest large city) for a few days for some tests about her blood, but it's not for sure. That would really really be terrible for me, workwise. I have missed a lot of days already and if she were there, I'd go with her for those days, no doubt on that. She's my number one priority. But it would really not be good for my work. I'm already so late in everything! I'm the only one who does my job so it's not like anyone keeps things up to date when I'm gone.

So that's my Nora update. :)

Islam update... I almost feel the need to officially convert lately. I don't know how to explain it but I will think about it some more and get back to the blog about it. So tired!!! I haven't been to my apartment in 11 days!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Nora's birthday

My poor little Noonie is spending her birthday in the hospital. She's 2 today. I will get her a cake. Poor her, she is in isolation so she has not been out of that room since Monday when she was admitted (except for tests). I guess it didn't matter much at the beginning because she had no interest in moving around, but she is starting to and I wish they would let her walk a little with a gown and mask just to get her feeling better. It would be encouraging for her to move around.

Anyway, happy birthday, my Nooners, even if it is spent at the hospital with no special occaision.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Update

I brought Nora to the emergency room again on Monday and she was hospitalized. She's still there and probably for another couple days. They still don't know what she has and her condition hasn't changed that much. She's on an IV, taking antibiotics and has her Tempra every 4h for her fever.

I am with her most times, but I had to go back to work this afternoon... Kinda sucks here, I wanna be with my baby!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Stupid Health System!

I'm in Canada I am usually OK with our medical system. It's quick for pregnant women and children have regular exams that are pretty quick too... And that's most of what I have ever used it for. I'm glad I don't have to stress out about paying so much for every little thing that happens. But MAN, it is so LONG if you get sick and it's so hard to find a family doctor. I'm glad I have one now, but I cannot get an appointment with her. The only appointments I have are the yearly gynecological exams. If I get sick, I can't make an appointment for the day after or anything. I have to go wait at the clinic. I did this with my daughter yesterday. I got my brother to get a number at 3pm. I finished working at 5pm and we got there around 530. I thought it would almost be our turn -- but NO! We waited until almost 7pm to see a rude rough doctor. And he just told us to go to the hospital emergency!

So we went to the hospital and waited there for 2-3 hours until we saw a doctor who checked basically the same things as the other doctor, only to say it was her ear infection causing all this. SHE HAS NOT WALKED IN 2 DAYS!! She doesn't eat, she drinks less than usual but at least is not dehydrated, she is just weak... has been to weak to cry even for most of this. I feel so bad. He switched her antibiotics. If this is really the problem, then that other fool could have told us. If not, then that fool at the emergency room is just causing my daughter more days of pain instead of getting her tested right.

I had to get it off my chest. :(

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