Thursday, September 24, 2009

The other side of the story...

Peace upon you. I am candice's Husband.

Lately i had some of troubles with my wife because of this blog.

We made a deal about not mentioning our personal life no pictures of her or my daughter or even me, and not mentioning anything about me or my daughter in good or in bad.
this blog was made for exploring life and islam , not "Exposing my family's LIFE" ,
Candice is a new convert, her parents doesn't know she is muslim yet, and she wont tell them untill she is ready, I dont even check her blog because i find it personal area, but sometimes things happens about her talking about the flight delaying then i saw her posting on facebook about the full story in her blog, Facebook is being visited by alot of her family members, friends, who ofc woundered where is her blog, I warned candice never ever link her blog with anything of her real life ( even facebook i am not a big fan of it ).

- So i guess when she expose our life secrets to anyone without my permition thats against our deal from the begining, Its my personal life, i dont want anyone to know about our personal life, if candice want to mention something about her personal life its her choise, she can talk about something she did for me, everyone got his privacy, so i guess that person who talked about security of me not accessing her blog... i will answer him with: She is my wife, i am trying to protect her from internet stalkers and be sure no one will hurt her, She knows all my passwords and i know hers we r married, so i guess you got what i mean? and if someone violated rules it's her not me by mentioning me and my daughter. and Candice mentions mostly the bad things, before i even see her friends or her family, they didn't like me, because she mentions only the dark side of everything, which i consider is a lie. for example "my husband didn't go out with me .... but he cleaned the apartment" so when she mentions the first part only it looks like i am a bad person.

About my Flight and the blaming part:
I missed the flight to come back to canada because the plane was leaving at 2:30 PM and i was there at the airport about 1:38 PM and they close the gates 1 hour in advance.

as candice mentioned I was blaming everyone but my self. which is not true.
she has an issue with me everything i explain something she thinks i am blaming someone
-- Because I was telling her what happened and the reasons that made me miss the flight. --

so let me explain the reasons i missed my flight:
1- Counting on my best friend that i've known for over 15 years:
He promised me he will bring to the airport the 17th and insisted on that and when i told i prefer city cap so u sleep, he was like NO WAY you are my best friend and if i dont do you this favour then we not friends,
( eventhough during the month i was there he stood me up many times, like calling me telling i will come tonight, so i cancel my planes with others and sometimes even my family members for him, and he ends up not coming, so its like wasting nights of only 30 days i am staying there, specially when its so hard in ramadan and me taking care of my daughter, and he when i call him many times he ignores my calls but i excuse him for it),
So i was actually worried about him not coming and in the same didn't want him to be upset.

So we agreed i will go to him and stay with him so we can leave early in the morning to go to my house. more like sleep over.
i went there at 4 am , and tried to convince him to come to my condo instead because i had to help my mom do the final packing and check if there is anymissing. he refused and he said just wake me up at 8 am , i woke up 7:55 and then started trying to wake him from 8:00 am to 8:45 he was like wait wait 5 more mins so i told him it's getting late i will have to go now, he said ok u do your stuff then wake me at 10 am. i kept calling him from 10am to 11 am no answers, i even called his mom to wake him up she failed. then i decided to call citycap they told me we will be there at 11:30 max .

SO its actually my fault to count on him, i didn't blame him, but i did gave him warning of treating me like shit when if he asks a favour i do it without saying no. so that was the final warning and now i broke up with him not because of the flight thing he called him later telling him what happened and being pissed that he was sleeping like a dead person, he talked to me like it's not a big deal its very simple and he is going to pay 420 $ the fees that i had to pay to replace my flight time to tuesday, and he said you will get the money today, i didn't want the money from him but the way he talked to me like he didn't do anything wrong, then not even showing up as he said i decided to not be a friend who doesn't care about anyone but himself.

2- City cap: the guy arrived 12:05 instead of 11:30 , he faced bad traffic too.

3- Traffic: normaly at night when there is no traffic it takes about 12-15 min to be at the airport from my house. but it's noon time, 2 days before the small eid (breaking the fast feast) everyone is out to buy his eid supplies / new clothes etc.. the traffic was really very slow.. we ended up being there at 1:38 pm so it took us about 1hour 35 min to arrive ( its cairo airport and i live downtown) even talking less traffic roads didn't work to save time.

so I can't blame it on traffic because i know it was going to be really bad. but from 12

4- Egyptair has a new policy of closing the luggage gates 1h in advance.
So they officialy closed it 1:30 pm and the officer on the security gate of the airport he told me no way to get to the flight now. i went breserek on him threatining him if he doesn't let me i will get him in a big trouble ( got some connections :P in egypt ) but it didn't work at all.... he told me he can't help me , I had to do that just because i know how candice will react and how bad she is waiting nora's return. i was so damn nervious i even yelled at the manager of the whole airport to let me in. he offered to talk to my wife to explain what happened.
and actually the flight left 3 PM ughhh.. stupid airport rules.
well can't blame the egyptair too not their fault mine of being ignorant of new rules.

5- thinking egyptair is a lazy airways:
when i was going to egypt the scheduled flight was 9pm , we left 11pm ... 2H later.. and they always do that but they r cheap in prices compared to other airways.
and thats my totally fault.

So after all i didn't blame anyone more than he should be blamed.

and finally "a great thanks" goes to the person who called me IDIOT without even knowing me and what happened exactly, and i would like to advice her not to talk behind someone's back because thats considered "Namima",

I would like to thank everyone who read this and understood and i hope candice respect my wishes of not talking about me without asking me.

God bless you all.

Candice's husband: Ahmed Ibrahim

27 Comentários:

Aalia of Abu Dhabi said...

Like the saying goes, "there are 2 sides to every story".

Inshaa'Allah khayr :-)

rahma said...

Ah the joys of being an egyptian's wife :) Hope you guys get it all worked out. AbuS HATES when I mention him on my blog.

.::Tuttie::. said...

my husband has also asked that i do not mention him. ic ur pt.

Stephanie said...

I personally don't like it when people talk negatively in detail about their personal lives because it just opens up a giant backbiting session, but it's a littel weird for you to be posting here IMHO. This is Candace's blog and I don't see why you have her password to begin with. If you have issue with something she has posted then you should leave a comment or discuss it with her in person. Just be careful brother. What seems like a way to protect your personal lives (which is completly justified), could end up being the start to trynig to conrol her every thought and opinion. I have no idea if you're that type of brother or not, but I've just seen it all too often with jealous husbands, that's all.

caraboska said...

No, actually, I don't know about giving passwords to one's spouse. The terms of usage of anything that requires a password normally stipulate that you will not reveal your password to anyone. Including your spouse. And you have to check a box or whatever saying you agree with the terms of usage. And I'm not into lying. So I would not give my passwords to my husband if I had one.

Even if that were not the case, however, I would be concerned about the potential for excessive control that would exist if my husband and I shared passwords. So on that ground alone I would not even want his password, much less give him mine. I view any attempt to control another person as an attempt to play God with them. In other words, I view it as idolatry.

I understand your desire to protect your wife. However, she is an adult. Which means that in principle she is quite capable of protecting herself. Sure, you are a garment for her. But she is also a garment for you. Would you accept protection from her? The believer is the one who wishes for others only what he wishes for himself. What would you do if your wife deleted posts from your blog because she didn't like them?

That having been said, while I don't see why it would be problematic for someone whom she has given the right to view her Facebook profile (and that can be configured so only trusted people can see it) to also see her blog, I think you are right that she should not link to her Facebook (unless it is *very* carefully configured) *from* her blog.

I see someone commented that this is her blog and questioned why you are writing an entry on it. Assuming you did this with your wife's knowledge and permission (and I hope I assume correctly), I actually think she did the right thing by allowing you to tell your side of the story in your own words, since she told us her side of the story in her own words.

Although in that case it would have been better to leave her side of the story up, even if you didn't like it and even if it was contrary to your agreement with her about what will and will not be shared in a public forum. I would be interested in hearing what your wife thinks about your contention that her posts were not in accordance with your agreement.

Stacy aka Fahiima said...

Marriage is hard in any situation. I am praying for you and Candice that you will be drawn closer to each other in love and that you will learn to appreciate each other's differences and similarities.
God bless you both and Nora inshaAllah

SarahC said...

Ahmed, I know you're worried you have been made to look bad, but Candice also said lots of nice things about you and showed pics of the lovely clothes you bought her. So don't worry too much.

Keeping marriage disagreements private is something a lot of us struggle with, especially in the age of the internet. But I don't think any harm has been done. As you said, we can't judge someone we haven't met. No-one is perfect and we all have to work on ourselves before we criticise someone else.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Stephanie. This is Candice's blog. It's weird that you posted on HER blog. You can always start your own and link it to hers.
She is justified to her feelings, even if she came to wrong conclusions according to you, or that she is venting instead of talking about all the nice stuff you do for her.
I would suggest to Candice maybe for her to make her blog private, so that random people cannot read or see pictures.

Meshmesha said...

It is pretty crazy that you feel the need to excuse/explain in detail to unknown people on the internet the reasons why you missed your flight. Maybe your wife should have respected the privacy of the marriage, but then again, with this post, you are not respecting it either, making your wife seem like an ungrateful woman incapable of making good decisions (plus the fact that you make yourself sound very controlling). That stuff she wrote might have been personal, but you make it an even bigger deal.

Candice said...

It's actually Candice this time...

No, I didn't know he was posting on my blog. And I don't think I displayed that much of my personal life with him in the two posts he erased or that much before that either... but it doesn't really matter I guess.

I'm not in much of a blogging mood lately so I don't know how often I'll update anymore. I'd gotten over the accessing of my blog to delete my personal posts, but now something I said after that upset him enough to actually go on and write a full entry... I don't feel free to blog.

Anisah said...

Salam alaykom Ahmed and Candice. :)

Ahmed.. I feel like I should say something.. incha'Allah it could help you be a bit more understanding.

It's so confusing to be a new convert..and it's really hard for a convert to go against everything she is brought up with.

Like..for example.. you controlling this situation. In our culture.. if a man is controlling..its abuse. but Maybe in urs it's taking good care of your wife and protecting your family. So for woman in our culture to accept this kinda behavior is just not accepted.
Without doing my own kinda putting out personal stuff I gotta my marriage its a huge issue.and it's a normal one for all mixed marriages like this.

So having said this.... when a convert is venting...even though the outcome is like making you look bad and putting fitnah in your marriage.... the intent is not this, it's like a sounding board..and a way of reassessing the situation. Cause we are completely doing a overhaul of all we know and changing it. Even if we completely believe in Islam.. it is a huge inner battle.

being a bit far from a big Muslim community is hard for a new convert. I know cause for years I had nobody and did these same things..I still do. husband has kinda limited stuff too. al Hamdullilah.

I'm just saying it takes time to adjust...and trust that this way is the right way and that noone is being hurt by it and in fact, is happy about the outcome.

to those who are judging Ahmed.. or the situation.. as controlling or whatever...I really think its best just to wish them the best and not do the judging part. We have no idea what is really going on..and its private.

All I know is Candice is a highly intelligent woman who is trying to make all the right decisions....its hard to do so when all is new and scary.

So on my own behalf Ahmed.. no matter how badly everyone thinks of you... the truth is.. we are just being there for Candice..and I can assure you..when we meet up...( incha"Allah soon)u should not feel like I think u are bad..and same with Candice thinking about my husband. Cause I need to vent too sometimes. incha'Allah.

There are always 2 sides..and there is never a black and white. Everything happens for a reason and what's important is to learn from it and encourage a positive outcome.

May Allah bless your family and bring you even closer . Amine.

hope to meet you soon!!
let us know when ( maybe a weekend) you can come to St jean...
btw.. there is a cous cous dinner at our musllah Saturday at about 6:30. We would LOVE for you to come... and you can vent with my husband :) cause I put him through just about the same things lol.

M Haroon said...

I'm sorry but you just exposed more of your personal life than your wife ever did and in a very negative way.
You reasoning is quite incomprehensible, you explain that you forbid your wife from revealing your family's personal details to protect them from internet stalkers etc and then go to great lengths to explain your position to the same stalkers! Are you sure that it is not your male ego that is hurt.
Your remarks about your wife in the post are distasteful and disrespectful. You are doing a great disservice to your marriage and your wife's journey into Islam by acting in this way.
May Allah help you both resolve your problems.

Candice said...

Thanks so much Anisah and M Haroon. I'm not coming on much but I still read the comments. I don't think my husband really stuck around to find out what people wrote, but I did, and I feel better knowing that some of you can understand what I'm going through with this... I didn't want to post a retaliation, but I feel like it was very unfair of him to delete parts of my blog, but so much more so to then post against me without my permission and withoug my side being heard.

I figured everything kinda explained itself and M Haroon, you figured it all out. There is no logic in what he is doing and he's just giving himself reasons to continue on with it and continue hurting me. I'm glad to see someone has noticed. Thank you for the support.

Jamilah said...

Asalamu Alaikum to both of you

Candice, I hope you still come and post and read blogs... as a new convert you will need the support of your Muslim sisters to get you through.

I hope that this next bit does not sound bad, but you also need to learn about Islam from many GOOD sources... not just the ones in your home. Inshallah we can all keep in touch and help you with your journey of learning and growing in Islam


XsiLon said...

Many people accuse Egyptian husbands are overjealous and very protective ( i read a lot about that ) , but imho opinion perhaps it is because the Egyptian culture is very attached to Islam. They are used to be raised by a mother who is very preserved and loyal to her husband.

So, the solution is, always seek the answer from Islamic point of view in every disagreements, so that both of u will be content. Certainly, sometimes u r right and sometimes ur husband is.

In every aspects of life, there is the awlawiyat (priorities). Syeikh Qardawi wrote an interesting book on this. Sometimes if doing a permissible thing cn cause harm, we must avoid it. I mean, about ur husband. Which is more important, avoiding what may hurt him, or doing suppository ibadah. Sometimes there is bigger rewards in doing small things if we follow the correct priority.

Im not an Egyptian but i has lived here since more than 6 years. when i read about ur husband's friend and the airport thingy, it tickles me! Cuz ive been thru similar situation before, and i thought only foreigners will have a hard time dealing with Egyptian life (beurauchracy, etc). But actually, the Egyptians are suffering from their own people too!

Candice said...

XsiLon, I don't understand everything you wrote (like the 3rd paragraph) but what I got from the beginning of your comment is that you think Egyptians are overjealous because they are attached to Islam. Overjealousy is not Islam. And the story about missing the flight had to do with taking responsability instead of putting it on someone else and nothing to do with jealousy so I don't know where you got that from.

I agree that we should seek the Islamic point of view, but me and my husband are so far from Islam right now I don't think we could find it if we tried. We will work on that though.

Syamsul said...

hmmm... i have read the post and the comments. the point actually is, blogs is not a place for us to tell everyone about our personal life. some of my friends do that, and sometimes it brings bad things like hating and everything. i know that some people might think that blog is their diary, but if it is for general reading (people over the world read this) then it might give Islam a bad impression by other religions.

and I agree that overjealousy is not Islam. my father said it is just the culture of the middle easterns. we malays think that the culture potrays Islam as a whole because most muslims are from the middle east and that is not so good.

however, you should remind urself to always remember to apologise to each other and accept opinions.

Candice said...

Whatever I might find to write on my blog has something to do with my life. If you read other parts of my blog you will see that a lot of it is not about my personal life, but that it's transitioned from it like the conversation with my aunt about Islam, for example. This happened in my real life, but the point is not to display my life but to go over my effort to make someone understand Islam.

For a little while though, I haven't had anything Islamic to discuss like what used to be my blog, so I have been pulling off my personal life more. I still don't think the blog became about publishing all of my life to the world. I kept to myself what I needed to keep to myself.

And when I feel like I can go back to blogging freely like I used to, I will. I can honestly say that I didn't learn anything from this whole deleting my blog and posting on it thing. Except learning that I should have never mentioned to my husband that I have a blog.

Anonymous said...

Candice - you know, I haven't told my husband that I have a blog. I don't want him wondering what I'm writing on it ... it's private, but I *will* delete it if he insists on seeing it. :D

Anonymous said...

just kinda of strange that both husband and wife have very similar style of writing..........

Candice said...

Only an anonymous commenter would post something like that... Trying to accuse me of altering my own blog.

Even though you obviously have no good intentions, you may have picked up on something. The main difference between me and my husband's English is that he speaks and writes as though it's his second language (and I don't, it's my first). He learned English with me so yes, congrats, we probably use similar expressions.

ModestJustice said...

May Allah swt guide all of us onto the right path and insha'Allah you and your husband can definitely talk this out.

So he posted this without your permission? Maybe you should reconsider the whole 'swappin' passwords thing. I know all of my family's passwords (not like I care to check what they do since they tell me) but I don't tell them any of mine for a reason :\

I don't want to join the bashing of your husband's 'overcontrolling' tendencies, but this post really could've been spared if you he just talked it out with you in private. Maybe you two should speak to one another insha'Allah ? Umm, preferably in private. I can seriously understand what you must be feeling and maybe after a while you can come back to blogging feeling safe that your privacy won't be intruded upon again :]

XsiLon said...

Salaam :-)

Sorry for all the confusion. Ok i'll try to explain.

1) In Islam, man-woman relationship is regulated. Some things which are normal in West are forbidden in Islam. E.g. Flirting for fun, shaking hands... So if ur husband caught u doing these, and gets mad, he'll be accused as overjealous by Western value. But instead, in Islam, the husband is supposedly jealous if his wife is doing those.

2. So to make sure that he just does jealous on appropriate things, reference to Islamic fiqh is vital.

3. Serving the husband is better than praying 100 rakaah. Because the first is obligatory and the latter is suppository.

4. Paragraph 4 isn't related with paragraph 1,2 and 3.

I hope it's clearer now. Have a nice day!

Candice said...

I understand what you were saying now. I would argue though that obeying your husband is conditional upon him taking care of you first. So I don't consider myself bound by that.

Life's Balance Beam said...

As salaamaualikum candice,

Inshaallah all is well with you sis, while i dont agree with either of u posting about ur personal life, i feel you have the right to rant on your own blog. i actually didnt feel that ur husband was a bad person after reading ur post about him blaming others, i just think hey, he has hangups like every one else to work on. I hope allah makes it easier for you, and really only way for a marriage to work, IS to grasp the islam inshaallah. please dont let this turn you away from this ummah, he was wrong for deleting anything u worked on and for posting with out ur permission. for this i feel you should change your password. come blog when your ready, and as a fan i will be ready to read as soon as you do!! stay in prayer inshaallah and may allah protect you from deviation, and from being unhappy inshaallah AMEEN. love you for the sake of allah! salaamaualikum.

Candice said...

Thanks for the comment. The post was not made to make him seem like a bad person, and I don't think it did either. I don't know why he saw it like that.

Aaliya said...

God this reminds me so much of when my husband had me under his angry little patriarchal thumb and called it Islam.

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