Friday, August 21, 2009

Questions when looking for a spouse

I was thinking about how I would go about it if I was 18 and single and a good practicing Muslimah. How would I go about finding a husband? My idea was that I'd find a good practicing Muslims ready for marriage that others might have suggested for me... Someone they find would suit me based on what they know about me and the person. But to directly marry that is an arranged marriage and that doesn't work for me. I need to know more about the person than simply having someone think he'd be fine for me. So here are some things I'd feel the need to ask him :

Note: this is if I was a mature, practicing Muslimah which I am not yet and was not at 18!

Note 2: these are questions to get to know the person. they don't all have to be perfect answers, but weighing the pros and the cons after having all the answers is what would help make a good decision.

-What are your thoughts on Islam in general and how important it has to be in every aspect of our lives?

-Do you always pray the obligatory salat?

-Do you give to charity?

-Do you read Qur'an?

-Are you studying anything in Islam?

-Are you envolved in the community?

-Do you imagine yourself staying in this country or do you see yourself moving to another country in the future? (like for a more Islamic environment)

-What do you do with your free time?

-Do you.. (whatever I do, so we know how much we might have in common) rollerblade? Like to walk?

-What do you work as?

-What are your plans for the future with regards to your work? (evolution of the work itself or business plans?)

-Do you want children? How many?

-When do you imagine wanting to have children?

-What are your favourite names? Are there any names you must use on your children?*

-What kind of school do you see them going to? (Islamic, private, public... French, English? Arabic?)

-How important is it for your daughter to wear hijab once she starts her menses?

-How would you treat or react if your teenage child rebelled?

-How do you feel about your children playing with non-Muslim children? How do you feel about them playing with children of the opposite sex? Until what age would you permit that?
-Would your boys and girls have the same curfew and rules at the home?

-What do you feel the role of the woman is?

-How do you feel about a woman working a full time job?

-What do you feel the role of the man is?
-If the woman is put in a situation where she is forced to work, how much do you see yourself doing of the traditional female chores?

-Do you want to live in a big city, small city, in the suburbs or in the country?
-How often do you think you will desire/require sex?
-Do you believe sex is only OK when both parties consent to it or do you feel it is your right to demand and receive when you want it?
-How do you feel about polygamy? (Would you be willing to make it a pre-marital arrangement to never have a second wife?)

* Sounds dumb, but it's necessary to go into so much detail that it could cause a disagreement. It's good to know how stuck he is to his little things. How important "his way" is.

7 Comentários: said...

I wouldn't say that its dumb because this post is a lot similar to mine. :P You made a really nice long list of questions to ask. Thanks for sharing!

ellen557 said...

This is a fantastic list! If I was in that position then I'd probably copy it word for word, except for the rollerblading part ;)

Candice said...

Thanks for reading the list! I know it wasn't really small. And yet I also know it's not complete, it was just all the important ones I could think of.

Sarah the Seeker said...

Great list. I think I would be far too embarrased to ask about how often they wanted sex, though! Plus I'm not sure they'd know that in advance, and it can change with time and circumstances. But if they knew they were going to be a 3-times-a-day person I guess that would be good to know!

By the way, I gave you an award/tag at my blog. :)

Candice said...

Thanks so much!

About the sex, you're right that he might not know, but I think it's good to get an idea of what he imagines is a decent amount... Later though, after the honeymoon is over... Because most men would, if they could, probably be glad to have it every day or at least every 2 days. But depending on the circumstances, it might not always be good for you. The conversation after this question becomes:

Would he be OK with 2x a week in the long run? Because that might be as much as I want to offer when things are tougher (like long hours at work or a baby at home), and the last thing I'd need is for him to continue needing to have it every 2 days minimum whether I want to or not. If he feels it's the woman's duty to just do it, he might not care that much whether I'm in the mood or not. 3-4x a week without being in the mood is more than a person might be able to bare. While once a week without being in the mood much and once in the mood could be a good compromise. So in the end, it would bring a conversation about how much compromise he thinks there should be on this issue.

Amanda said...

I like the "How do you feel about a woman working a full time job?" specially because some women (like me!) are waaaay too independent to stay at home.. and I think it's more a cultural than a religious issue.

N the duckess said...

i'll keep this list :D

thanks for share

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