Sunday, May 24, 2009

Not feeling so great...

No respect from my husband...

I just had an "incident" since typing up the last post and I seriously need to vent. It wasn't a great day overall with a bunch of disrespect this afternoon too. I just really don't know what to do about him. It doesn't take much to set him off into a fit against me and when he does, it's not just about letting him cool down as he yells at me because it's always about things that make me SO ANGRY. And when he's upset with me, he doesn't care who else it affects (our daughter).

It doesn't take much to set me off either though... We've been here in Canada together now for 1.5 years and I am sick of seeing used kleenex on counters, water on the floor, banana peels on the counter, grape seeds dried onto plates, scattered around the apartment, dirty clothes on the ground, every door or drawer he touched opened. I'm sick of the lack of respect when it comes to decisions that need to be made in the household. I'm sick of paying for everything while he goes off and gets himself things with any money he makes. I might not burst after the first of these things daily, but after the 20th, I might. It might just be change left all over the table that makes me lose my temper, but after so many similar things in the same day, I guess it adds up.

Overall, I am unable to feel OK with him even if we have a period of time where things are going well. It is so hard to say I love you and I never fully mean it. I don't like the feel of him or the smell of him. I don't think he feels that way about me though. I think he actually loves me and is attracted to me. I don't know what it is to him when he tells me to fuck off... When I say it, it's lack of respect and lack of love. I truly do not respect this man. I don't understand his position. Maybe he just doesn't respect me and that's enough for him to treat me this way.

Anyway... :-(

11 Comentários:

Sakina Al-Amin said...

I have had my own share of tough moments in my marriage.

I have found that the only thing that will keep my marriage in a good place is if me and my husband are both completely honest with each other, and do not hide our feelings from each other.

You can tell him everything about how you feel in a long email. I don't know though if your husband will be able to deal with it though.

أم ترافيس said...

Im really sorry you are having a difficult time.

Definitely you need to discuss these issues, because it isnt right at all, and you do need to protect yourself now before it becomes more out of hand...

May Allah make it easy and guide you to the right way :)

cairo, lusaka, amsterdam said...

I was sad to hear this Candice. Have you tried talking to him about it, or showing him how much it bothers you?
Inshallah things will get better.

Candice said...

Thanks for your comments. I am actually very open with my husband. Of course I'm overly open with him when I'm angry, but I make sure we have discussions about it later in the day, or later some time. He sometimes apologizes, but more in a "I'm sorry but if you wouldn't have..." Basically, it's my fault, but he's "sorry".

Sarah the Seeker said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Men are sometimes really thick. I bet if he just made a little effort with the things you mentioned, you'd feel much more towards him. Somehow you've got to get him to realise this, I think. He probably wants you to be happy and gets frustrated when you're not. If he could just figure out what would make you happy and how easy it would actually be, this might make a big difference.

Mrs. S said...

I'm sorry that you're having a rough time. Inshallah you have good people around that you can go to for support.

PerplxinTexan♥ said...

I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I'm not.

Sorry is a word, like love that is to easy to say but, takes years to know the meaning behind. As a marriage and family counselor I honestly suggest you seek guidance outside of the marriage. I don't think it's necessarily a respect issue so much as a communication issue. It seems like (from the outside) for whatever reason he does not understand how much work it takes running the house as you expect it to.

I think you should break the issues down, one by one, and concentrate on each fully and separately. Work on just getting him to clean up water, then just getting him to pick up plates of grapes, then get him to pick up his socks...etc etc. Eventually, inshallah, it will become habit easing your frustrations and encouraging his help.

Did you ever consider writing down your problems? Some people have problems understanding things expressed verbally.

Lisa said...

Salaam. Hi Candice, I'm so sorry that you have to endure this. I wish I had some good advice for you dear, but as you know my own marriage is rotten.

What I will say though, is to do something now before it gets out of control. If you let sleeping dogs lie (or in this case husband's to get away with things), it will only get easier for him with time. I was particularly concerned about you paying for the necessities, as this is totally un-islamic.

At this point, you are within your rights to seek help from an imam or his parents.

I would do both.

I know what you mean about grapes and everything else. I asked husband to watch Youssef while I went to the gas station. Upon my return, Youssef had taken his beach pail and dumped water all over the living room floor, and then the lukewarm pot of coffee. Oh my gosh, it was a nightmare and still is, because the floor has been wet for three days from resolve carpet cleaner and it stinks!

I love you dearly and call me or email me if you want to talk.

sabrina said...

Hi Candice. Is your husband a Muslim? Because if he is, using that kind of language with you is totally inappropriate and should not be tolerated. When your daughter is asleep, (or maybe you can have a family member look after her for a night) sit down and talk with your husband. Tell him the things that you need from him and ask him what he needs from you. Tell him what you want him to change, and ask him to tell you the same. Make a list (mental or a real one on paper) about the way you both will try to improve your marriage, and then give yourselves a time frame in which to better yourselves. One month? Six months? Two weeks? You two decide. Talk openly about what you have to do to keep your marriage strong and healthy and together decide what the consequences will be if either of you can't hold up your end of the deal. I'm not suggesting that you two get a divorce, but by discussing the consequences as a team, no one can point fingers if you two decide that this isn't working out for your family. I'm a new reader, and based on a few posts I've read, I'm assuming that you have recently reverted. Am I wrong? I guess I should read some of your older posts now, but if your husband is not a Muslim and you have become one, maybe that is a main cause of the stress in your marriage -- which is also something you guys need to talk about. And remember, Shaitaan is the happiest when he causes discord between a husband and a wife. (I know, he's so lame.)
I wish you all the best, and I will be praying for your and your family.

Candice said...

Sabrina: Welcome to my blog! Thanks for commenting, those a great tips. I might have to do that. My husband is a fresh-off-the-boat Egyptian-born Muslim. I have not yet converted though I feel it's in my future. My husband is very cultural... more than he is Muslim. He seems to care more about our daughter playing not with plastic piggies than salat, and other ridiculosities! Anyway... :(

Shannon said...

Hi Candice, I don't comment to meddle or cause stress but I am very concerned for you. I know this post is older but I sense you are struggling. There are some abusive behaviors going on that aren't acceptable. Now I am not muslim, but I know that any disrespect or abuse at the hands of a spouse is not good, period. You should not have to pay for all of the living expenses and have him take back things he has given to you, etc. That is controlling and abusive. Please seek outside help with this. Please!

Exploring Life and Islam © 2008. Template by Dicas Blogger.

TOPO