Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I'm really glad to have this blog and to have this network of support from fellow bloggers and non-bloggers. I've appreciated the links that were given to me to help me out in my learning process and I've loved the feedback I've gotten on various topics I've posted about, as well as some support on a more personal level at times.

Islam really occupies my mind a lot. I wonder if it's the truth. I still wonder about that, and I feel like I'm not getting much closer to finding out my answer even if I keep thinking about it and learning about it. It has almost gotten to be more of a "hobby" in some ways, which is not at all what I want Islam to be for me!!

I've been feeling the need for support at home. My husband has let me figure things out for myself a lot, not really getting envolved in it. In a way, that's a good strategy, assuring that I'm not pressured to convert and that I don't do it for the wrong reasons, but for a while, I've been asking him to help me, asking him to read Qur'an with me, even suggesting we pray together. I've been referring to Islam in our relationship, trying to make it Islamic. He has not responded to any of that. I guess it leaves me feeling far from Islam because even if I converted, I feel like I'd get no support. It just seems so important to have that person with you through these times, but he's not. There's a fine line between letting someone do it themselves and not supporting them at all!

I think part of it is that he is not personally ready to follow Islam himself. He believes in it, he just doesn't want to *do it* just yet. I don't fully understand what is going on with him, but he does not want to do anything but for himself. It must be some sort of coping mechanism... he's absolutely helpless. I don't know if it has to do with being away from his home. It could partly be that... Anyway, back to Islam... I would need him to be there for me and I would need to actually show me the beauty of Islam. I can read about an Islamic marriage and how beautiful it is, ideally, but the situation I'm in now with a Muslim is just the opposite; it's ugly. And my parents' marriage, as well as many others I know, is beautiful and balanced. That's what I want in my life.

I'm really at a low point with this. It is 100% keeping me away from Islam. I will never be able to really see Islam as a religion of peace until I can see it firsthand, I think. So that's where I'm at right now. Not posting much because I have nothing to say. Not much about Islam and not much in my day to day life because of this huge weight I have. And even if I can go out and have fun for an hour, I just go back to this feeling a second after it's over.

18 Comentários:

Aalya said...

I too used to ask my husband to pray infront of me or talk about islamic things but he just wasn't into that too much...actually the praying part really, talk about topics was ok...but he really wanted me to make up my own mind - which is good! I can totally relate to that frustration!

I can understand that feeling of not 'living' Islam either... as that is the case in my home as well. I really think in this case if you are in a more Islamic country you are more oriented towards it, but being in N. America its easy to just live your life as everyone else does here. But that is not to say that you cannot incorporate Islam into your life and family! We try and do that and yes sometimes it fails but other times its great (usually at Ramadan and Eids) I know it does not substitue a husbands support but we are all here for you when you convert (wink wink - when not if ) its a struggle, and it will have its ups and downs, as with all things in life.

Hope things become easier for you...and all of us!

Candice said...

Thanks for the support, Aalya. Last March, I started to learn to pray and my husband told me not to and to wait until Ramadan (which was in September, I think!) and that's when the "discouragement" started. Because Ramadan did come and he still did not really want to pray or want me to pray... It's discouraging.

struggling said...

I remember getting so much help from my husband when I wanted to learn about Islam. Then when I did convert, I was left to the internet for the most part and let me tell you that in a way is the worst place to learn about religion. Everyone has their agenda, every forum and web page is against some type of Muslim, and it drags you down instead of helping you learn more. If you do choose Islam, do it for yourself and take it slowly, don't let anyone preassure you

Malek said...

Assalaam Alaikum Candice,
I feel bad for your struggle, and try not to worry too much. Reading what you wrote what I found to be interesting is that you have taken to learning about Islam even in though your husband is not really practicing. To me that says a lot. Allah may be guiding you slowly but surely. I use to get frustrated when I would read conversion stories of how women converted and were in hijab and praying 5 times a day without even knowing how to perform salat perfectly...I use to say why can't I have revelation like that??? And even now I too struggle with making salat and even wearing hijab. I recently just started but sometimes feel like I'd rather just put a hat on. These are things that we all face....Just know that you are not alone in your quest....And as for your husband don't look for him to give you the answers because everyones journey is theirs and theirs alone....You know my husband was born in a Muslim country as a Muslim and do you know I tell him a lot of stuff that I think he should know....So whether born or revert Muslim follow your heart and keep sharing with your blog sisters and continue your journey....Insha'Allah Allah will guide you to what is right for you and your family...Ameen

Candice said...

struggling: It's funny because my husband always tells me I go to corrupted sites whenever I bring him info I learned that he hasn't heard about. Like when I told him that niqab was worn by the prophet's wives and that some people believe it was mandatory for them as the prophet's wives but not necessarily for every Muslimah. He said it's the opposite (they did *not* cover their faces) and that I was getting this from a corrupted website run by Jews trying to ruin the image of Islam. He comes up with this Jew excuse a lot. It's a bit disturbing considering how little proof or reason he actually has to say such a thing.

I have found the same thing as you... lots of people with their own agenda, and against all sorts of other Muslims. It's discouraging to see how little unity there is between Muslims online. And how hard it is to find the "truth". You need to read 10 different articles for every subject to get an idea of the different opinions and to figure out what you believe is true. Ark!

Malek: I understand what you mean about those people who convert and become the most dedicated Muslims overnight with no apparent effort! It's like... WOW. Makes me wonder: Is Islam for me? I have had nothing close to that! I almost gave up on Islam because of something similar. I was just thinking to myself... Is Islam so important to me that I would want to declare it to everyone, and I would want to do 5 prayers each day, wear hijab despite what consequences might happen? I was left thinking that no... I did not fully feel that way! I would not want to tell my family I was Muslim (though I would), I found it hard to pray multiple times a day and I'd feel shy to do so when I was not at home, and I would feel uncomfortable wearing hijab with my extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins) and embarassed for my parents on what they'd possibly be saying behind my back. But I've seen that some people do have that slow road... I will take my time.

Malek said...

yes, take your time....:)

Umm Omar said...

I do not know you or your husband, but I do know that spirituality is an intensely personal experience that needs to be maintained and purified throughout one's entire lifetime. I can imagine it must be hard when you are looking for support from one person, and you don't find any. Try, then, to look for someone else. Husbands are not good for everything, and I mean that in a serious, loving way. We women tend to think that they're supposed to do everything for us, but sometimes they don't know how to and thank God, we are not limited in our relationships with people. We have parents, friends, sisters-go to someone else for support when you need it. I also wanted to say that there are examples of good & bad relationships in all religions and cultures. Don't blame Islam for your situation and don't credit other religions for strong marriages. We are all part of humankind and the same patterns of behavior can be found in marriages of many different peoples and places.
May you find much peace and contentment in your life!

struggling said...

Being a Convert Muslim is at times very lonely, so many times I was told once you convert there will be so many muslim sisters to give you support and help you learn....this is wrong! No one was there for me and no one continues to be there for me ( in the non-cyber world). If you choose Islam you should be prepared for this, even though I pray that no one else ever has to go through this, it's a sad reality among Muslims. You need to be strong enough in your beliefs, so that when you are let down you don't question your faith.

أم ترافيس said...

I wonder if he is afraid -- he knows Islam is the truth I am sure, or at least he has heard that before, so if you start practicing, then he might need to look at himself too. Even if he knows something is wrong, no one actually wants to make the effort to change themselves -- I did this for a long time before leaving Canada. I knew I needed to make big changes in my life, but I couldnt. Facing it would be too hard, and I didnt want to see myself as the person I had become. I am pretty sure, that is his problem... so you just go on with your business and find trustworthy people to help you, even if it is on the net... Allah will not leave you! And in shaa Allah WHEN you convert to Islam, it might be hard at first, but you could very well be the strength that causes change in HIM!!! Then when everyone asks u if you converted cuz ur husband is a muslim, u can tell them, uh, no actually my husband reverted cuz of ME (in shaa Allah!)

Sarah said...

It surprises me in a way that it all hinges on your husband's views and behaviour. My impression of you has been that you are very strong-willed and independent, you don't let people tell you what to think, you alter the salat to suit your views... I admire this so much. I think you are doing just fine.

Other people's support and encouragement is helpful, but our faith probably shouldn't depend on it. I totally depended on my church to bolster my faith. Look where that ended up. (I'm not saying you're falling into this trap, just sharing my experience as a warning I guess.) I was very idealistic about how religious life and relationships should be, but now, I want to live for God and not for some non-existent utopia.

I think taking a long time means that you are building the foundations right. Whatever you end up believing, it will be a mature and strong faith. There is no shortcut to that. Those that dive straight in don't become spiritually mature overnight.

I often wish I could just be decisive about faith. But I think that would compromise who I am too much. I once heard a statistic about an average number of times a person has to be exposed to religion before they will convert. For a lot of people it probably is a simple matter of exposure. Some of us ponder more deeply. It doesn't mean we have to be stuck in limbo forever. At least I hope not. :)

I'm sorry your marriage isn't what you hoped it would be. The first few years of marriage can be tough. Balance is the work of a lifetime. Your parents probably had ups and downs in the beginning too. Communication is key, they say. Good luck :)

Candice said...

Umm Omar: Thanks for your comment. I agree that husbands are not good for everything! I did think they were meant to be there for support in this type of matter though. They should be bringing out the best in you, "goodness"-wise. But anyway, we are not there. We bring out the worse in each other.

struggling: I'm sorry it feels so lonely sometimes. At least I've already stopped imagining it will be a great united group with all the support one could imagine. My bubble burst some time ago. lol.

Candice said...

Umm Travis: I know he feels ashamed about it and that he believes he should be doing more. He just purposely doesn't think about it. I like your last thought. :)

Sarah: I wouldn't say that "it all hinges" on his views and behaviour, but it has been very tough on all levels between us and it's just bringing me down. I still think of myself as fully independant (I have to be or I'd have had more than a couple mental breakdowns). Anyway, he is someone I see for hours a day, so somewhere, it all has an impact. I just have to deal with it, I guess.

Anisah said...

hi sis...
Allah is smiling upon you.. I know it...
just have Sabr... It took me YEARS to find a community and support.. Now you have fond one.. I'm so sorry I'm so pregnant that I cant make it to ur place...at the moment..but we gotta plan smth soon!!
Always have hope. :)
I just wanna say...I do know where u are coming from about having ur husband's support...it si true that it's easier to follow Islam when u are both practicing.. but you really have to do it urself.. take ur time.. good foundation is most important..like the above sister said...there are times when it will b tested and you want a good foundation to hold it up :)

Candice said...

Thanks for your comment, Anisah :) I just understood what "smth" means. I know you used it yesterday and I had no clue.

Anonymous said...

I have started reading your blog recently and i have a feeling that your husband is not planning to be with you forever and that is why there is lack of support. Your husband comes across as a traditional cultured Egyptian man but not necessarily islamic orientated. Many men from Muslim countries have distorted view of white women being cheap, easy, highly sexual (all the things they perceive their woman not to be, the fact thay you went over to marry him and without no traditional wedding only confirms their belief). At the end of the day he seems to have a plan which is to gain citizenship, support his family and marry a woman he is compatible with. Your husband if he is sincere should be happy that the mother of his child is interested in Islam and that his child will grow up in an Islamic household, his behaviour is odd though and leads me to be suspicious of him and his committment. If you dont mind me asking is he well educated and does he come from middle class family or the opposite?

Candice said...

Anon, thanks for the comment... But that is not our situation. He does have a somewhat distorted view of Western women, but that's what attracted him to me at first. Thinking I was so different than everyone. Well, I think I am different in a lot of ways, but I also think there are lots of women here who, like me, did not have pre-marital sex, do not drink, make efforts to be kind to others, etc etc. His reasoning behind wanting a non-Muslim is that she would likely convert to Islam and that her children would also be Muslim (more Muslims, less Christians). He *is* Islamically oriented, it's just not appearing so outwardly at the moment.
And yeah, he was in the higher class in Egypt, had some power. And he's pretty educated.

Nowrose Begum said...

Hi Everyone,

I have written a small but detailed e-book and named it as “Critical Evaluation of Rashad Khalifa, with Quran-Alone”, which would decode the questions of who is Rashad Khalifa, how he became famous and why many Muslims hate him, etc.,

I need your sincere support in cascading this book to all your appropriate contacts as it may wash-out my sins of preaching of deen-e-khalifa for few years, when I was in the trap of Khalifates.

This small E-Book: “Critical Evaluation of Rashad Khalifa with Quran-Alone”, is the result of years of data gathered interacting with people for and against Rashad Khalifa in internet forums and in real life, including my personal experience and research.

Many have contributed to this book, directly and indirectly, knowingly and unknowingly. I want to pray for all the people, who by the grace of Allah [SWTA], helped me to open my eyes; thanks to their criticism. Actually it took me too long to realize the facts and gradually I understood what Rashad Khalifa was really about. I believe the “Submitter” movement that he founded will collapse if people have the courage to read and study carefully this simple book, and face the facts and pass down the information around them.

I suggest everyone to print this and circulate to get the most from it. Couple of years before, one of my maternal uncle, who came to know that I’m in the trap of Khalifa’s group, has gone through Khalifa’s translation and originally written this as a short article and relieved me from that trap out of Allah’s Mercy.

As the article was originally appeared only as a brief note, I developed it and elaborated it to the point ‘how it looks like now’. I worked for a long time to ensure that it not only warns the humanity to be careful about Khalifa’s tricky works but also it serves as an polite rebuttal of Khalifa’s claims. I have also discussed with my uncle, several times during the compilation of this short book, which helped me a lot.

The reason for quoting only Quran as the source of reference throughout the book is because the actual targeted group is the deviant sect–Khalifa’s group.

In-Order to view the complete e-book-“Critical Evaluation of Rashad Khalifa with Quran-Alone” kindly visit: https://rashadkhalifafakemessenger.wordpress.com [or]


Nooril Hassan said...

Hi, very recently I have read a post on web I believe that has the special answer for this topic question! I’m sharing that post hereby and hope all of you would get refresh and enjoy. This post is much special because it is the only post that has an historical perspective about Rashad Khalifa and his works compared with the days of Prophet Muhammad [P] and his companions.

Yamama and Our Amal-Nama
Does anybody know how many Prophet’s companions [R] were approximately killed in all the major wars that were fought during the lifetime of Prophet Muhammad [P]?
Kindly see the list of all major wars and the approximate number of Prophet’s companions [R] who were killed inclusive of all the major wars that were fought during the lifetime of Prophet Muhammad [P]: Badr 14 Uhud 70 Khaybar 17 Mu'tah 12 Hunayn 5 Total: 118

But when a person called Musaylimah claimed himself as the Apostle / Ambassador / Prophet from Allah [SWTA] as every companions of the Prophet knew well that Muhammad [P] is the last Messenger and Prophet, Abu Bakkar [R] has ordered for a war against Musaylimah, and that war was called Yamama! Does anybody know how many Prophet’s companions were approximately killed in the battle of Yamama? It was 1200 companions among which more than 1/3 i.e. more than 400 were hafiz-e-Quran and they were Prophet’s closest associates [R]!

Yamama War: Total number of Prophet's companions who were Killed 1200, Total number of Hafiz-e-Quran who were Killed 400-450! Have you noticed the number of Muslims who were killed in Yamama was more than ten times when comparing it with all the major wars fought during the lifetime of Prophet Muhammad[P]! This battle played a major role in motivating Abu Bakkar [R] to complete the compilation of the Qur'an. As 400 hafizes were killed at Yamama upon the insistence of his future successor Umar [R], Abu Bakkar [R] has ordered the collection of the pieces of the Qur'an into one copy.

The battle of Badr was almost similar to Yamama in one way but it was contrast to it in another way! Let me explain the contrast first; In Badr Prophet [P] was alive but during Yamama Prophet [P] was not alive. Now let us see in which way Badr was almost similar to Yamama? That was during Badr Prophet [P] was imploring to Allah [SWTA] saying that if we get defeated then there won’t be a single person to worship you alone in the whole earth! The very similar situation rose after the claim of Musaylimah as an Apostle and when thousands believed in him and followed him blindly!

What does this history tell us? What is the respect we have for that 400-Hafizes who get killed in Yamama, which by Allah’s plan paved the way for the collection of the Quran, which we read, and enjoying every-day? All we need to do is after Muhammad [P] if anyone claims that he is a messenger or a prophet, we need to identify and witness how evil he is with all the feasible and possible proofs and that can be the only tribute that we can do for the 1200 Sahabis’ who get killed in Yamama!

Dear Brothers and Sisters, I have written a small book called "Critical Evaluation of Rashad Khalifa with Quran-Alone"; this small book is the result of years of data gathered interacting with people for and against Rashad Khalifa in internet forums and in real life, including my personal experience and research. Many have contributed to this book, directly and indirectly, knowingly and unknowingly. I request you very much; kindly help me for this e-book to reach all your Muslim contacts for two reasons:

1) In-order to warn the humanity to be aware of the tricky works of Rashad Khalifa [Who claimed himself as a Messenger of Allah [SWTA]. 2) In-order to ensure that our response to the deviant group-Khalifates [who have taken Rashad Khalifa as their idol] is comprehensive, clear, and precise, Insha Allah.

In-order to view the complete post “Critical Evaluation of Rashad Khalifa, with Quran-Alone”, kindly visit: http://alquranaloneislam.blogspot.in [or] https://rashadkhalifafakemessenger.wordpress.com

Exploring Life and Islam © 2008. Template by Dicas Blogger.