Saturday, February 7, 2009

I've been a bit down, but... (realization)

The past week has been tough, even before the voice loss and total frustration. Every time I get a bit of a down in my personal life, I seem to run away from God. What I think I may be realizing is that I'm not ready for the ritual part of Islam: praying 5 times a day, going to Friday prayer, even fasting but at least we're not there yet. It's way too much for me, and maybe that actually *is* the only thing missing for me to convert. But I'm not 100% sure about it all. Definitely though, when things are going well, I feel closer to God, I feel like I'm doing better in life, and I feel like I can overcome anything (including how difficult it would be to pray). But not right now.

I'll have to see what happens in the next weeks. I'll try examining my feelings to see if what I'm typing now makes any sense. But it feels like a realization.

7 Comentários:

بنت بيتر said...

OH :( Im so sad that you arent here ... if you had good sisters around you, you would FEEL how beautiful and easy it is.... in fact, the prayer and everything else seems hard at first, but it isnt at all! ANNNND it is actually what gives me more life... when I first converted, I just thought in my mind "Im doing this for Allah, and even if I exhaust myself, I dont care, I dont He wont let it go unnoticed" And He didnt! Whatever we suffer for His sake, He gives us BETTER. so ya, it SEEMS hard, but that is just the devils, trying to get you to avoid worshipping Allah -- and until you find HOW to worship Him, that hole is just going to get bigger and wider. So trudge for, sweetie :) And cooooooooooooome to Egpyt so I can help you! LOL. Here is a beautiful hadith -- maybe one of my favourite!

If the servant draws near to Me a hand span, I draw near to him an arm’s length; and if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I come to him running. (Narrated by Al-Bukhari)

Sarah said...

I wonder if it seems daunting and difficult because you are not 100% sure about it all? Or perhaps you might become more sure once you actually start doing it?

Umm Travis, what came first for you, being sure or doing it?

Candice said...

Sarah, that's the question, definitely... I need to become 100% sure about Islam before I become Muslim... And if I was 100% sure, I probably would feel more motivation to do everything, but there's still something about it being difficult that could be keeping me away. I wonder how most new converts have dealt with this.

Jamilah said...

As a new convert I was clueless... I didn't pray 5 times a day right away... I didn't know how, but I learned. The peace came from knowing the truth... everything else comes in time.

I'm sure you've heard this but each time you struggle with reciting Quran you get rewarded for EACH letter... a reward for Alif a reward for lam, a reward for meem... Allah swt knows how difficult it is for new reverts to understand and start doing everything required of him and he is very patient and merciful.

What is important, is that if you believe that There is only 1 God, and that Muhammad was his messanger, don't delay, take the shaadah, everything else comes later. Things that seem so impossible now will become easy as you learn and grow in your deen. Most of all, ask Allah to guide you to the truth and inshallah he will open your heart to Islam.

Candice said...

Thanks. I think the thing with me is that I can't feel sure about something until I know it very well. I know I will never know everything about Islam, but my faith doesn't come easy, I guess. And I still feel I need to learn more before I make any decisions.

My main thing right now is to figure out if I truly believe that the Qur'an is a book from God. Obviously, if I do, then that's that and I will take my shahada. I still have to figure it out. And that will only come with reading the Qur'an, but I feel so short on quality time. I'm always on other things. I do most of my blog reading and writing at work. Right now I'm at home, but I'm also playing with my daughter between paragraphs and watching her between sentences.

Aalya said...

Believe me I know the struggle you go through trying to figure out if this is the 'right' thing to took me about year of research but in the end I just took the 'dive' and said the Shahada... I knew that things became easier and harder at the same time. If you like email me with any questions or just to talk...I could go on forever... so its better with email or msn
aalya @ hotmail . com (im online usually all day)

بنت بيتر said...

For me I took a leap of faith I guess. I was very open at the time and needed a change in my life and Islam just seemed to fit with the "ideals" I wanted in my life. I wanted to be that disciplined, well-mannered person, and so I asked a lot of questions. My friends in Dubai kept giving me cd's to lisen to, movies, books, but really, it was the sisters I was drawn to. Watching them, admiring them. They had something I wanted. SO I was convinced enough about it, but not 100%, and even after converting when I learned something new I would freak out, get all nervous, and ask more questions, but always, always there was an answer. And yes, some things still felt uncomfortable, but I knoew in my heart this was the correct path in life... and in fact I always wanted it, just didnt find an envirnment condusive to what I believed.

Really - it is about faith. No matter how much you research, more questions will arise. So as Jamilah says, go to the basics, analyze THAT and not all the other stuff right now. Because that will come with time inshaa Allah... and you are always welcome to email, call, write or visit me too!

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